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To stop her ex-husband from stealing the Mona Lisa, a world-class cat burglar turned security expert must illegally install her own security in the Louvre.
Hey guys, I appreciate the feedback -- THANKS! Maybe I need to reword it, but I definitely don't want to lose the last part -- b/c that's the movie's Hook and the hero's main Goal. The Louvre doesn't believe her b/c of her criminal past and they think their security is good enough (it truly is someRead more
Hey guys, I appreciate the feedback — THANKS!
Maybe I need to reword it, but I definitely don’t want to lose the last part — b/c that’s the movie’s Hook and the hero’s main Goal. The Louvre doesn’t believe her b/c of her criminal past and they think their security is good enough (it truly is some of the best in the world).
The entire second act is her figuring out better security and then illegally installing it without the Louvre’s permission or knowledge.
IMO, A world class cat burglar turned security expert must stop her ex-husband from stealing the Mona Lisa.? is too generic, there’s not enough info. How is she gonna stop him (stun gun, break his arm), where is she gonna stop him (America, Germany)?
I think maybe changing just one word, Illegally to Secretly, helps the flow.
“To stop her ex-husband from stealing the Mona Lisa, a world-class cat burglar turned security expert must secretly install her own security in the Louvre.”
Thanks again for the feedback!
See lessThe son of a scientist is called to the future to solve the world?s oxygen crisis and save the woman he loves.
I think an Oxygen Crisis is very credible. Look at Beijing, New Delhi, Mexico City, etc... 1,000s of residents routinely wear filter masks. But for greater effect I'd word it in the negative: Pollution (if, in fact, that's what you mean). And I agree with Nina, what's the Protag (son) actually DO!?Read more
I think an Oxygen Crisis is very credible. Look at Beijing, New Delhi, Mexico City, etc… 1,000s of residents routinely wear filter masks. But for greater effect I’d word it in the negative: Pollution (if, in fact, that’s what you mean).
And I agree with Nina, what’s the Protag (son) actually DO!? Being a scientist’s son isn’t very interesting.
2 of my favorite words for a Logline are “must” and “but.” They do a great job at adding drama!
“A brilliant chemical engineer transported 20 years into the future must solve Earth’s pollution crisis before millions die, but the woman he loves could very well be humanity’s downfall.”
I’d probably even take out the Love part and expand the core premise a few more words.
“A brilliant chemical engineer transported 20 years into the future must solve Earth’s pollution crisis before millions of innocent people around the world die.”
Bottom line, you need a lot more jalapenos in the chili – spice it up.
See lessTwo men hunt the rogue crocodile that killed both their wives. One wants to save it, the other wants it dead!
Unless the crocodile actually escaped from somewhere (zoo, farm...), aren't they all technically "rogue?" I'd use that word/space to better describe how menacing the "villain" is. "Two men hunt for the blood-thirsty, 23' crocodile that..." Off the top of my head (as in, kinda lame), but you get theRead more
Unless the crocodile actually escaped from somewhere (zoo, farm…), aren’t they all technically “rogue?” I’d use that word/space to better describe how menacing the “villain” is. “Two men hunt for the blood-thirsty, 23′ crocodile that…” Off the top of my head (as in, kinda lame), but you get the idea.
I’d also flip the last part and replace “dead” with “slaughter” – much more exciting. And lastly, I’d explain why the other guy wants to save it – cuz… that’s confusing — Animal Rights activist (PETA) or something? Explaining that would better illustrate the tension between the husbands.
“Two men hunt for the monstrous crocodile that killed both their wives. One wants to slaughter it, while the other, an Animal Rights Activist, wants to save it.”
Animal Rights Activist may not flow too well. But… just my 2 cents!
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