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When the dark secrets of a timid family man are about to be exposed by an anonymous source, he must take on dangerous assignments over the course of one night, in an attempt to save his marriage and family.
Logline: "When the dark secrets of a timid family man are about to be exposed by an anonymous source, he must take on dangerous assignments over the course of one night, in an attempt to save his marriage and family." (39 words) Overall, the logline describes a simple-sounding story. But as mentioneRead more
Logline: “When the dark secrets of a timid family man are about to be exposed by an anonymous source, he must take on dangerous assignments over the course of one night, in an attempt to save his marriage and family.” (39 words)
Overall, the logline describes a simple-sounding story. But as mentioned in previous reviews, parts which are vague and parts extraneous to the logline make it too long and weaken the overall logline.
Breakdown:
Protagonist: “a timid family man” —> This is okay. But I suggest a rewrite –? if the protagonist is religiously devout and thus strongly believes in the sanctity of marriage, for example, that could be expressed which makes any past actions which seem to go against his values have value and add more stakes.
Antagonist: “an anonymous source” —> This could be cut from the logline. It tells the reader nothing about the antagonist. Consider changing this to a more general statement.(Will include example at end of review)
Inciting incident: “When the dark secrets of a timid family man are about to be exposed by an anonymous source” —> The logline describes what appears to be the correct inciting incident, but this could be reworded. Also, ‘dark secrets’ is too vague.
Goal: “he must take on dangerous assignments over the course of one night, in an attempt to save his marriage and family” —> As mentioned by another member, “in an attempt to save his marriage and family” isn’t useful to this logline. The goal of the story is to prevent the exposure of his secrets.
An example, using elements from your logline:?After he receives an anonymous letter threatening to expose his illicit affair, a devout Christian cop must impede a murder investigation to protect his secret. (25 words, 166 characters)
See lessWhen a nine-year-old, native American boy is struck by lightning and initiated to be the next tribal shaman, he must battle his vengeful Uncle who murdered his father, and protect the world from the dark forces that seek to destroy it.
Logline: "When a nine-year-old, native American boy is struck by lightning and initiated to be the next tribal shaman, he must battle his vengeful Uncle who murdered his father, and protect the world from the dark forces that seek to destroy it." (41 words)Try to keep loglines under 30 words. But, lRead more
Logline: “When a nine-year-old, native American boy is struck by lightning and initiated to be the next tribal shaman, he must battle his vengeful Uncle who murdered his father, and protect the world from the dark forces that seek to destroy it.” (41 words)
Try to keep loglines under 30 words. But, looking through your profile it does seem you’ve tried to address the feedback from previous versions. I suggest reading through other loglines and the feedback they receive to better understand the elements of a logline and their structure.
Breakdown:
Protagonist: “nine-year-old, native American boy” —> His age seems to have nothing to do with the story, so describing it only serves to take up space in the logline. What’s more important than specifying an age is describing the protagonist’s personality, or a physical trait which may hinder achieving the goal of the story and resolving the conflict. (ex: ‘na?ve’, ‘reckless’, etc..)
Antagonist: “his vengeful Uncle who murdered his father” —> This description raises more questions than it should. He’s vengeful, but the logline doesn’t describe what caused him to want vengeance. In fact, the logline describes a perfect reason why the?protagonist would be vengeful: the uncle killed his father. Is the uncle envious because he wants to be the shaman? Is that why he murdered the father?
Inciting incident: “When a nine-year-old, native American boy is struck by lightning and initiated to be the next tribal shaman”
and
Goal: “he must battle his vengeful Uncle who murdered his father, and protect the world from the dark forces that seek to destroy it.” —> The inciting incident should directly lead to protagonist pursuing the goal. Becoming a shaman is not an event which directly leads to the protagonist doing what is described as the goal. Also, the logline is a bit unclear. Is the protagonist’s goal to battle the uncle to protect the world? Or is the logline describing two separate goals? (It shouldn’t do that.)
Becoming a shaman is likely an event which throws the protagonist into his new world, but it doesn’t make him do anything. In the story, there’s likely an event after this, an event possibly caused by the uncle which makes the protagonist realize he has no choice but to enter this conflict.
Is the murder of the father in the story, or is it backstory?? This review is getting long, so I’ll refer you to a previous review of mine in which I discuss the inciting incident-goal relationship. (Linked —>here)
I’ll throw in an example of a logline using elements from the original post:?After his father is sacrificed, a young tribal shaman must use his newfound power to prevent his murderous uncle from completing a ritual to summon a mythical demon. (28 words, 166 characters).
I hope this helps. I do think the premise of the story sounds interesting — I’m always interested in stories about Native Americans.
See lessWhen a stranger?s corpse tells her he?s an unsolved murder victim, an impetuous journalist must follow his clues and unmask the killer for the story of her career.
Seems like a simple, solid idea. The logline also seems pretty good, but is a bit long. Logline: "When a stranger?s corpse appears in her bedroom and reveals he was murdered, an impetuous movie critic must piece together the clues and unmask the killer so she can rest in peace." (32 words) ProtagoniRead more
Seems like a simple, solid idea. The logline also seems pretty good, but is a bit long.
Logline: “When a stranger?s corpse appears in her bedroom and reveals he was murdered, an impetuous movie critic must piece together the clues and unmask the killer so she can rest in peace.” (32 words)
Protagonist: “an impetuous movie critic” —> Usually, I only recommend describing a character by their career if it implies skills that the protagonist would be able to use in the conflict. In this case, I’m not sure ‘movie critic’ is effective. It takes two words.At least to me, being a film critic doesn’t really involve the type of investigative skills someone would need to solve a mystery. So I recommend either finding a way to shorten it to one word, or consider a different description.
Antagonist: “the killer” —> Clearly described. This is okay.
Goal: “must piece together the clues and unmask the killer so she can rest in peace.” —> This could be trimmed. I’m also confused. The corpse is described as ‘he’ but in this section the logline states: “so?she can rest in peace.” Is this just a typo, or are you referring to the protagonist being able to rest in peace?
Inciting incident: “When a stranger?s corpse appears in her bedroom and reveals he was murdered” —> Could be trimmed as well. Otherwise, is okay. It shares a causal relationship with the goal and the possible climaxes could be easily inferred from this event.
>Climax: Either the protagonist solves the case or she doesn’t. —> Either is an inevitable outcome of the inciting incident.
Example:?After an undead stranger tells her he was murdered, an impetuous film critic must find the killer so the stranger may rest in peace. (24 words).?
I hope this helps.
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