1. Posted: March 6, 2016In:

    When a cynical surgeon renounces his ancestral ties with a cabalistic tradition, he becomes the target of a dark force and must battle a phantasmagorical creature unleashed by the dark force to destroy him and everything he holds dear.

    Best Answer
    dpg Singularity

    Your story seems?to be?bedeviled by the nature of your genre, which presumes a world with its own set of rules that only exists (so far) in your imagination. I, for one, don't get it. Why is the creature after his family's blood? Is?it ?because of his renunciation?? I suggest I am not alone in?not bRead more

    Your story seems?to be?bedeviled by the nature of your genre, which presumes a world with its own set of rules that only exists (so far) in your imagination.

    I, for one, don’t get it. Why is the creature after his family’s blood? Is?it ?because of his renunciation?? I suggest I am not alone in?not be able to figure that out the causal link, what the renunciation has?to do with the creature’s threat. Because, to repeat, it’s a world we are not privy as it only exists in your imagination.

    If there is no cause-and-effect between the renunciation and the creature’s thirst for the family blood supply, the renunciation is extraneous to the logline.? If there is a cause-and-effect relationship, it needs to be clarified.

    fwiw

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  2. Posted: March 5, 2016In:

    When her field badge is suspended, a responsibility adverse FBI agent must escort a terminally ill orphan on her ‘dying wish’ road trip to Disneyland.

    dpg Singularity

    It seems to me there's a missing link in your setup.??How did she get involved in the orphan's life?? Why, of all the possible "'musts" that could arise out of being suspended at work,??does this "must" become?the one the agent?chooses to?fulfill. So the agent is suspended at work.? Did?a superior oRead more

    It seems to me there’s a missing link in your setup.??How did she get involved in the orphan’s life?? Why, of all the possible “‘musts” that could arise out of being suspended at work,??does this “must” become?the one the agent?chooses to?fulfill.

    So the agent is suspended at work.? Did?a superior order?the agent ?to learn responsibility by getting involved in charitable work?? Did he order the agent to take this orphan on a road trip?? That doesn’t seem causal or credible to me.

    Why must the agent take this trip? I’m guessing — but not certain — that? a subjective link between her suspension, and her odyssey is a?failure to take responsibility.? She was?irresponsible on the job, now she must learn to be responsible by performing this charitable trip to Disneyland.

    Okay, but based on my experience in law enforcement, in dealing with FBI agents,?it is my perception that being an FBI agent ?is intrinsically a job where?one has ?to?take responsibility from Day 1.??It seems to me that if?the agent?can’t learn?to take responsibility on the job, what?are the odds, what are the reasons? the agent would learn?responsibility by doing something else? Like taking a road trip?

    Once the road trip gets going — that part of the story seems to have a lot of dramatic?potential.?? But??I ?suggest?there are? pot holes in the? plot between the suspension and?the road trip.

    fwiw

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  3. Posted: March 5, 2016In:

    When a cynical surgeon renounces his ancestral ties with a cabalistic tradition, he becomes the target of a dark force and must battle a phantasmagorical creature unleashed by the dark force to destroy him and everything he holds dear.

    Best Answer
    dpg Singularity

    I'm guessing there is a link between his past and present,?but I don't see it.Specifically, what is the causal relationship between his renunciation of his ancestral tradition and the other elements in the logline, being mysteriously locked out, the savage creature?If?that renunciation is?back storyRead more

    I’m guessing there is a link between his past and present,?but I don’t see it.

    Specifically, what is the causal relationship between his renunciation of his ancestral tradition and the other elements in the logline, being mysteriously locked out, the savage creature?

    If?that renunciation is?back story rather than a causal, inciting incident,, it serves no purpose in the logline and can probably?be deleted.

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