Have an account? Sign In Now
Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
A crisis manager gets recruited by the vigilante crew he idolizes to expose how the family business he is paid to protect sells memories.
Alas, the logline buries the lead, the hook.? One has to read all the way to the last words to discover the interesting part of the premise, that the business is selling memories.Further,? a reader can only take the words of a logline at face value -- he can't read the writer's mind, what he intendeRead more
Alas, the logline buries the lead, the hook.? One has to read all the way to the last words to discover the interesting part of the premise, that the business is selling memories.
Further,? a reader can only take the words of a logline at face value — he can’t read the writer’s mind, what he intended to say; he can only read the words on the screen.? And the words on the screen don’t tell us what the protagonist’s objective goal is.? The logline tells us that he’s recruited, but it doesn’t say he accepts the offer or how he intends to go about achieving what the vigilantes want from him.
And that’s segues to another issue:? the vaguely defined goal is owned by the vigilante crew, not by the crisis manager.?? They’ve subcontracted their goal for him to fulfill. It is not sufficient that he admires them.? He must passionately WANT and NEED to undertake the job for personal reasons– he must have personal stakes.
fwiw
?
See lessWhen a young high-school aged minority attends a nationwide diversity conference, he must learn to confront the racist incidents from his past in order to come to terms what life is like as a minority in this country and his own place in it.
Racial discrimination is a vexing social problem, but this logline seems to take a shotgun approach in attacking it. A logline for a movie plot should be a rifle, aiming one bullet (dramatic action) at a specific target, the bulls eye of one objective goal.? What one, specific action toward one specRead more
Racial discrimination is a vexing social problem, but this logline seems to take a shotgun approach in attacking it. A logline for a movie plot should be a rifle, aiming one bullet (dramatic action) at a specific target, the bulls eye of one objective goal.? What one, specific action toward one specific goal does the young man take to deal with one specific problem, here and NOW, in the PRESENT TENSE of the story world?
See lessDuring a cross-country journey to track his missing girlfriend Nisha, Dhondup finds himself reluctantly involved in the lives of people who all seem to have a connection to her in some way.
As a general rule, loglines for fictional stories should not include the proper names of characters.? More important than a proper name is a defining characteristic.>>>finds himself reluctantly involvedMakes him seem passive, reactive when the job of a protagonist is to be proactive, to beRead more
As a general rule, loglines for fictional stories should not include the proper names of characters.? More important than a proper name is a defining characteristic.
>>>finds himself reluctantly involved
Makes him seem passive, reactive when the job of a protagonist is to be proactive, to be the active agent in the story.? Also, it’s vague as to how he becomes involved.? “Reluctantly involved” could mean 101 different things, which is to say it means nothing in terms of providing a producer, agent or director with the specific details they are looking for as to what the script is about.
Also isn’t he seeking out people who have a connection with her — how else can he find her?? So the story isn’t? that he finds people who are connected to her.? I’m guessing the story might be in the nature of those connections that provide clues to the mystery of her disappearance.
I suggest refocusing the logline around his objective goal:? to find his missing girlfriend.? He can’t find her — why?? What’s the primary obstacle, complication that frustrates his search?? What is the mystery in her vanishing he must solve?
fwiw
See less