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When an innocent female assassin is framed for the murder of her partner, she must evade the utopian society she protects long enough to convince an unbelieving man from a rival family to take over his rightful place as leader of the community, a feat that places her and the realm she protects at risk.
It's not clear what the causal relationship is; that is, how being framed for murder jeopardizes of the utopian community. Or why being framed compels her to nag the guy into acting like a mensch. Also the plot seems to pivot on the guy, not the girl. She can only try to influence him; she can't MAKRead more
It’s not clear what the causal relationship is; that is, how being framed for murder jeopardizes of the utopian community. Or why being framed compels her to nag the guy into acting like a mensch.
Also the plot seems to pivot on the guy, not the girl. She can only try to influence him; she can’t MAKE him do what he needs to do. The biggest decision is his to make — not hers. So who is the protagonist? And who is the antagonist, the common foe?
See lessWhen a highly-strung accountant inherits a failing community TV station, he finds unlikely performance geniuses at a small town talent competition to save the station.
Sorry, I don't have a rewrite. Just another qualm: the MC seems to be acting out of filial duty rather than personal passion. He may own the station financially -- but it doesn't come across (to me anyway) that he owns it emotionally. The objective goal seems to be a dream borrowed from someone elseRead more
Sorry, I don’t have a rewrite. Just another qualm: the MC seems to be acting out of filial duty rather than personal passion. He may own the station financially — but it doesn’t come across (to me anyway) that he owns it emotionally. The objective goal seems to be a dream borrowed from someone else rather than HIS own dream, arising autonomously from his own needs and wants.
And a suggestion: it’s a family owned station and the rest of the family opposes him. They not only want to sell out — they need to sell out to escape financial ruin. (Family feuds being a plus factor for conflict and complication.)
fwiw.
See lessWhen a highly-strung accountant inherits a failing community TV station, he finds unlikely performance geniuses at a small town talent competition to save the station.
Sorry, I don't have a rewrite. Just another qualm: the MC seems to be acting out of filial duty rather than personal passion. He may own the station financially -- but it doesn't come across (to me anyway) that he owns it emotionally. The objective goal seems to be a dream borrowed from someone elseRead more
Sorry, I don’t have a rewrite. Just another qualm: the MC seems to be acting out of filial duty rather than personal passion. He may own the station financially — but it doesn’t come across (to me anyway) that he owns it emotionally. The objective goal seems to be a dream borrowed from someone else rather than HIS own dream, arising autonomously from his own needs and wants.
And a suggestion: it’s a family owned station and the rest of the family opposes him. They not only want to sell out — they need to sell out to escape financial ruin. (Family feuds being a plus factor for conflict and complication.)
fwiw.
See less