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Series logline:?During the Great Die-Up of 1886, a frontiersman with a dark, shameful past must protect the family he?s taking refuge with from his old Civil War captain, now a deranged U.S. Marshal, who along with his posse is under orders from an unscrupulous company to take their land.
At 48 words, the logline is t-o-o long. ( I conclude from? my statistical analysis of hundreds of loglines, that the maximum tolerable length? is 40 words.? See the chart I posted in a thread? in 2016.? I've added 140 more loglines to the sample since; the distribution and conclusion holds.)So whereRead more
At 48 words, the logline is t-o-o long. ( I conclude from? my statistical analysis of hundreds of loglines, that the maximum tolerable length? is 40 words.? See the chart I posted in a thread? in 2016.? I’ve added 140 more loglines to the sample since; the distribution and conclusion holds.)
So where to trim?? Well, I suggest “with a dark shameful past” is extraneous.? For the purpose of a logline, “dark past” must signal that it will come back and bite the protagonist in the present; it will threaten his chances of succeeding.? It must create conflict in the present and suspense as to future.
And more interesting than the “dark past” is that he’s pitted against his old Civil War captain.? I would refocus the logline around that conflicted relationship.
Making the marshal his old Civil War captain is interesting.?
Anyway, it’s your story.? You’ve already written the script.? So whatever.
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See lessSeries logline:?Set across the NYC Blackout of ?77, a reformed ex-con temporarily returns to his old life of drug dealing to pay for his mother?s hospital bill, but soon learns the game has changed and the players, old and new, are more ruthless than before.
?A series must hook an audience in the pilot.? ?What's the hook in the pilot episode?? The? hook for the entire series of "Breaking Bad" is planted in the pilot.Okay, you open with the Great Black Out as a teaser and flash back in time.? So the implied dramatic question? by the end of the pilot is:?Read more
?A series must hook an audience in the pilot.? ?What’s the hook in the pilot episode?? The? hook for the entire series of “Breaking Bad” is planted in the pilot.
Okay, you open with the Great Black Out as a teaser and flash back in time.? So the implied dramatic question? by the end of the pilot is:? how did the protagonist come to this situation?? Where as in? “Breaking Bad” the implied dramatic question by the end of the pilot is:? What happens next?
Also the protagonist doesn’t create the Great Black Out.? It’s an accident. Dramatically, a deus ex machina.? The protagonist does? nothing to make it happen. Where as in Breaking Bad every major plot point in every episode is of Walter White’s making,? is a logical consequence flowing from (not up to) his fatal decision. Which is the story hook.
What is more psychologically appealing? to viewers (i.e. a stronger hook)? ?Wanting to know what happened in the past?? Or wanting to know? what’s going to happen in the future?? I tip toward the latter.
Can you point to a series which has successfully pulled off the same dramatic technique you propose?? Flashbacks are tricky,? and I assume you are well aware that producers are wary of them, particularly in spec scripts by unproven writers.?
Particularly when the series compels? an audience to wait… and wait… and wait… while the story sets up the dramatic import of the story hook.? Have you really got enough bait on the hook in the first episodes to? keep viewers tuning in episode after episode?
And is? the Great Black Out? a genuine complication for the protagonist — or an opportunity. (My initial guess is the latter.? Why wouldn’t the chaos be the prime time for a criminal to do whatever he wants to do? So what dramatic suspense does the Great Black Out create?)
My 2.5 cents worth.
See less?Despite a debilitating injury, a young motorcyclist is determined to fulfill her dream of riding across the US in a motorcycle rally, but she has to compete with her boyfriend who mentors her to bounce back from a serious crash “
The premise holds out the promise of a lot of interesting visuals.But taking the logline at face value:? the 1st part? says she fulfills her dream by merely running? in the rally.? The stakes seem to be endurance, not victory.? And then the 2nd half says she's? in a? (competitive) race, not a (sociaRead more
The premise holds out the promise of a lot of interesting visuals.
But taking the logline at face value:? the 1st part? says she fulfills her dream by merely running? in the rally.? The stakes seem to be endurance, not victory.? And then the 2nd half says she’s? in a? (competitive) race, not a (social) rally.
So what is it, a rally or a race?? (Technically? a rally need not to be? a race.? In fact, most rallies are social events, bikers riding together for the love of the motorcycling, not competing against each other.)
And if she got injured while racing competitively, doesn’t that mean she was already racing against her boyfriend?? So what’s the problem?? If he helps her recover, doesn’t he realize he’s aiding and abetting her competing against him?
So why would it be a wedge issue in their relationship?? Particularly since plenty of racers remain friends even though they compete against each other.? If it does threaten their relationship, whose at fault?? Isn’t it the guy’s? for being an old-fashioned sexist pig?? So doesn’t that imply that if she owns the plot, he owns the character arc because he’s the one who needs to change his attitude?
Is the emotional engine driving the movie the relationship or the racing?
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