1. Posted: February 12, 2018In:

    When a short-tempered U.S. Marshal with a longstanding grudge against sex offenders humiliates his spiteful new boss, he reluctantly agrees to protect a sadistic child molester standing trial in a hostile family suburb to save his illustrious career.

    dpg Singularity

    >>> a sadistic child molesterBetter:? "accused child molester".? In the U.S. one is presumed innocent until proven guilty.So what's the dramatic problem other than he doesn't like the person he's assigned to protecting?And the inciting incident can't be humiliating his new boss.? The incitiRead more

    >>> a sadistic child molester

    Better:? “accused child molester”.? In the U.S. one is presumed innocent until proven guilty.

    So what’s the dramatic problem other than he doesn’t like the person he’s assigned to protecting?

    And the inciting incident can’t be humiliating his new boss.? The inciting incident would have to be that the accused must be protected because he’s receiving death threats.? He could get assigned the case by a spiteful boss? as a “sadistic” joke. Or get assigned the case by the luck of the draw.? Whatever, I don’t see how his relationship with his new boss rises to the level of an inciting incident.

    >>> to save his illustrious career.

    So the plot is all about him, his ego, his reputation.? When it should be about what he needs to do for a greater good, for law and order, for justice, for the sake of other stakeholders in the case.? I think there needs to be a compelling dramatic issue at stake other than his attitude, his ego, his paycheck.

    fwiw

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  2. Posted: February 10, 2018In:

    When a reclusive, secretly psychic troubleshooter is threatened to do a job, or loose it, she and her ghostly toy T.Rex sidekick head to Berlin. When she “sees” the rail road company’s problem involves thiefs and Nazi’s, fixing this problem becomes a mission. I am sooo not done with this logline yet ( it is too long) but would love to hear your opinion on it. Greetings Mack I have put it in the superhero section because she has secret “powers”and fights evil (Nazi’s) with it.

    dpg Singularity

    >>>working from her ?sanctuary? home in NY Sanctuary in NYC?? How so? Why? >>>do a job What's the job?? What becomes her specific objective goal? Also based on the earlier version, I assume this takes place in the 30's before World War 2.? There is no hint of that setting in the reRead more

    >>>working from her ?sanctuary? home in NY

    Sanctuary in NYC?? How so? Why?

    >>>do a job

    What’s the job?? What becomes her specific objective goal?

    Also based on the earlier version, I assume this takes place in the 30’s before World War 2.? There is no hint of that setting in the revised version — and the historical setting is an essential plot element (No Nazis, no story.)

    >>>?Seeing?people?s secrets, dead or alive, is not helping.

    This seems to be the story hook — that she has psychic powers.? Placing it at the end is burying the lead, the story factor that differentiates it from similar stories.? And you place story in the Superhero genre.? All the most reason the logline needs to lead with what makes her a superhero.

    And I don’t see how her psychic powers is a dramatic problem. Being privy to information others aren’t aware of would seem to be an advantage.

    fwiw

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  3. Posted: February 9, 2018In:

    A young family experience supernatural happenings in their new home. After the family pet is butchered and the children have been attacked in their beds a non believer must play devils advocate to the deadly unseen evil by taking a life in order to save his families.

    dpg Singularity

    Agree substantially with Nir Shelter.I like stories that pose genuine dilemmas for protagonists.? But I'm not sure that is the case here.? As Nir Shelter said, he seems to have the option? of vacating the premises, move his family out.? End of dramatic problem, end of dilemma, nobody has to die, rigRead more

    Agree substantially with Nir Shelter.

    I like stories that pose genuine dilemmas for protagonists.? But I’m not sure that is the case here.? As Nir Shelter said, he seems to have the option? of vacating the premises, move his family out.? End of dramatic problem, end of dilemma, nobody has to die, right?? If the protagonist cannot take that option, there has to be credible reason why and I don’t see what it could be.

    Yes, moving out means financial disaster, the loss of every penny he’s sunk into? the property, and the mortgage he is still obligated to pay off.? I can see where that delays him, but ultimately it comes to a choice between between life? (move out) and death (stay).? It’s a no brainer choice, so it’s not a true ethical dilemma.

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