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When a reclusive, secretly psychic troubleshooter is threatened to do a job, or loose it, she and her ghostly toy T.Rex sidekick head to Berlin. When she “sees” the rail road company’s problem involves thiefs and Nazi’s, fixing this problem becomes a mission. I am sooo not done with this logline yet ( it is too long) but would love to hear your opinion on it. Greetings Mack I have put it in the superhero section because she has secret “powers”and fights evil (Nazi’s) with it.
>>>> to show how bad it would be for her to loose her job and home..her sanctuary.Those are complications.? What is needed is a compelling motivation (in the form of an inciting incident) that compels her to move outside her comfort zone. I suggest leveraging her psychic abilities (whichRead more
>>>> to show how bad it would be for her to loose her job and home..her sanctuary.
Those are complications.? What is needed is a compelling motivation (in the form of an inciting incident) that compels her to move outside her comfort zone. I suggest leveraging her psychic abilities (which after all is the story hook) in the logline;? her psychic abilities enable her to see that someone’s life may be at stake.? Some innocent person will die unless she acts, unless she moves outside her comfort zone.
fwiw
See less1969. While a family ‘s listening to the television that says the words: One small step for a man one giant leap for mankind, a misterious figure in a space suit steps in their house to tell them the truth about the moon landing.
The logline sets up a situation, an inciting incident for a plot.? But it is incomplete.? It needs to tag a specific protagonist, a lead character.? And it needs to equip him with an objective goal.? So:Who is the protagonist?As a result of this event, what becomes his objective goal?? What MUST heRead more
The logline sets up a situation, an inciting incident for a plot.? But it is incomplete.? It needs to tag a specific protagonist, a lead character.? And it needs to equip him with an objective goal.? So:
Who is the protagonist?
As a result of this event, what becomes his objective goal?? What MUST he do about this epiphany?
See lessAfter losing everything in a battle that he thought was to the death, The Gambler Fox is teleported from Mystic Post Medieval Ireland to Modern Day Las Vegas, Fox must learn to survive and live with a different type of people while looking for the one, Raven, who took everything from him and try to keep his reborn love, Vivian, from being killed a second time.
Taking the 2nd version at face value, assuming for a moment I? have not read the original:>>>After a Gambler is teleported to Las VegasWhy would a gambler have to be teleported to? Las Vegas?? That's a default location where gamblers hang out -- no magic required.?And how/by whom?? And why?Read more
Taking the 2nd version at face value, assuming for a moment I? have not read the original:
>>>After a Gambler is teleported to Las Vegas
Why would a gambler have to be teleported to? Las Vegas?? That’s a default location where gamblers hang out — no magic required.?
And how/by whom?? And why? What stakes does the “magic maker” have in the outcome?
>>>?archenemy
Vague.? Archenemy how?? In poker games???
Also,? it’s not clear who threatens the life of his “reborn love”.? The archenemy or someone else?
And “reborn love” is? vague, needs fleshing out.? It’s not obvious she’s been literally “reborn”.? And the fact that she has been reborn (from the 1st version)? raises other questions requiring exposition.
And that is what I see as a fundamental problem with the premise:? it’s too darn complicated.? There is too much backstory that has to be played out and explained before the real plot — in the present tense, in Las Vegas — kicks in.? In fact, it seems to me that the backstory in “post medieval Ireland” might stand on its own dramatic legs, as an “origin story”, a film of its own.
What’s the story hook for the audience? More to the point, what’s the psychological hook for you — why do you want to tell this story??What is the theme you wish to explore? What is your story really about?
fwiw
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