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Short film: When a young beautician discovers that the healthy lifestyle she is attempting to lead is taking its toll on her mental well-being, she must adjust her lifestyle to reduce her stress.
Good suggestions from Richiev. What about the inciting incident being that her business goes belly up? ?She feels she's a life failure. ?All that discipline, self-sacrifice and self-denial ?has accomplished nothing.
Good suggestions from Richiev.
What about the inciting incident being that her business goes belly up? ?She feels she’s a life failure. ?All that discipline, self-sacrifice and self-denial ?has accomplished nothing.
See lessWhile investigating the abduction of a child in a remote community of the Appalachian Mountains, a FBI Agent makes the shocking discovery that he is linked to a disappearance there decades earlier.
senditon:>>>my feeling is that a logline should hook a reader?s interest by whatever means necessary.Which is to say, a logline should feature a must-read story hook. ?And I completely agree. ?Indeed, IMHO, for ?wannabes trying to break into business, the most important element in their scrRead more
senditon:
>>>my feeling is that a logline should hook a reader?s interest by whatever means necessary.
Which is to say, a logline should feature a must-read story hook. ?And I completely agree. ?Indeed, IMHO, for ?wannabes trying to break into business, the most important element in their script, hence, their logline, is a hook. ?A GREAT, irresistible hook.
So the question is: does “makes the shocking discovery that he is linked to a disappearance there decades earlier” constitute a strong story hook? ?Well, my personal, completely biased initial response was: ?not so much.
Every murder mystery ?has — or should have– ?at least one, plot-pivoting ?”shocking discovery”. ?It’s a standard operating feature of a mystery. So the fact that your story has a “shocking discovery” is not, uh, shocking. ?And since you shouldn’t reveal the Big Reveal in a logline, ?what’s the point in even suggesting there is one?
On the other hand, ?your revision does a better job of engaging my interest.
But don’t?these 2 versions lay out the same dramatic ?problem? ?Well, yes, but how you frame the plot is different. ?And I don’t think that’s a minor distinction.
Why do I favor the 2nd one over the 1st? ?Because the way I read the 2nd version is that your script will quickly set up the mystery, tease me in the right way with some intriguing clues. ?The central mystery is booted up in the 1st Act.
IOW: the 1st Act has a strong hook designed to ?grab an audience’s attention, make them want to know what happens next.
Whereas my reading of the 1st version is that it promises no particular hook in the 1st Act to grab and hold ?my attention. ?It ?offers a hook — eventually, maybe 50 ?or 60 minutes in, if the audience will only be patient and persevere. ?But in an age of multitasking, of so many alternatives, so many diversions, that’s an unrealistic expectation. ?You gotta hook the audience early, in the 1st Act.
So my take away is that ideally a logline should 1] have a strong hook; ?and?2] the hook should be planted in the 1st Act. ?Which,I think your 2nd version does on both counts.
And on the basis of that 2nd version, I give your story my thumbs up.
fwiw
See lessWhen a lonely computer programmer hacks a dating site, she inadvertently creates an empathetic Artificial Intelligence, which finds ?Mr. Right? just as the government terminates the A.I.
As with the previous version, this logline sets up the protagonist in a situation but gives her no specific objective goal. ?It does not indicate what she must do in light of the dramatic predicament.>>>just as the government terminates the A.I.In drama there is the bogus gimmick known as ?Read more
As with the previous version, this logline sets up the protagonist in a situation but gives her no specific objective goal. ?It does not indicate what she must do in light of the dramatic predicament.
>>>just as the government terminates the A.I.
In drama there is the bogus gimmick known as ?deus ex machina, introducing an unmotivated, unforeshadowed ?and illogical solution to the dramatic problem
This plot seems to have the antipodal gimmick, the daemon ex machina, the introduction of an unmotivated, unforeshadowed and illogical complication to the dramatic problem. ?Why would the Big Bad Government (BBG) want to intervene and shut down a program that helps people find a compatible love mate? ?That doesn’t make intuitive sense. ?(I’m guessing the script proper explains why the BBG wants to squelch the AI — but, of course, it ?probably can’t be explained within the space constraints of a logline. Okay, but everything in a logline needs to make sense. ?)
What is this story about? ?The fun and games that result from an AI that’s a good matchmaker? ?Or the nefarious conspiracy of the Big Bad Government Guys and Girls to who don’t want people to be happy?
This version ?leaves me confused. ?And in loglines as in love, confusion is a turn off, not a turn on.
fwiw
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