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When Raoud Le Meir finds a drunk Nazi passed out in his barn one night, he does what every terrified, mute and livid 12-year-old boy would do ? steals the soldier’s rifle.
>>>but his plans for revenge go awryWhat is his plan for revenge? ?What is his plot against the Nazi's? ?What, specifically, ?is the plot of the script?The revision still hides the game ball ?-- what anyone who might come to the movie will want to see.
>>>but his plans for revenge go awry
What is his plan for revenge? ?What is his plot against the Nazi’s? ?What, specifically, ?is the plot of the script?
The revision still hides the game ball ?– what anyone who might come to the movie will want to see.
See lessWhen Raoud Le Meir finds a drunk Nazi passed out in his barn one night, he does what every terrified, mute and livid 12-year-old boy would do ? steals the soldier’s rifle.
The logline sets up a situation and an inciting incident for a plot but it ?doesn't follow through with statement of what the plot actually is-- the struggle that results from the boy stealing the rifle.(Also loglines don't describe the protagonist by a proper name; rather the protagonist is identifRead more
The logline sets up a situation and an inciting incident for a plot but it ?doesn’t follow through with statement of what the plot actually is– the struggle that results from the boy stealing the rifle.
(Also loglines don’t describe the protagonist by a proper name; rather the protagonist is identified in terms of a defining characteristic or flaw.)
Please consult the guidelines under “Formula” at the top of the web page for writing an industry standard logline. ?
See lessVowlence Rewrite: After falling for another woman and in love with having choice, a rogue “constructed” husband must battle his original creator and society’s hell-bent effort to maintain matrimony’s perfect success rate, in his driven pursuit of true love.
Nir Shelter has zoomed in on the central and selling feature, the hook of the story: ?When a man genetically designed to be the perfect husband, falls for another woman, he must..." ?Well, he must do what?To repeat, you don't need to shoe horn in the notion that he's ?exercising free choice insteadRead more
Nir Shelter has zoomed in on the central and selling feature, the hook of the story: ?When a man genetically designed to be the perfect husband, falls for another woman, he must…” ?
Well, he must do what?
To repeat, you don’t need to shoe horn in the notion that he’s ?exercising free choice instead of adhering to his programming. ?That’s implicit in the complication that boots up the plot, his falling in love with another woman.
If you want to wax philosophical on that abstract point in the script, knock yourself out. ?But not in the logline. ?The logline ?is a sales tool with ?a primary directive: grab attention, whet interest in reading the script. In the fewest possible words. ? In loglines, less is more effective and more is less effective.
An logline that sells is about flesh and blood people in conflict. ?Not fleshless, bloodless abstractions.
I think you’ve got ?a strong hook. I give it a thumbs up. ?It just needs a polish.
fwiw
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