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Two directionless twenty-something bartenders are accidentally exposed to information about a fixed horse race and try to take advantage of this potential windfall without tipping their hand to the nasty thugs that planned the caper
Jamzies:I advocate composing two loglines for works projects, a development version to rough out the fundamentals of the plot for the work in progress, and eventually a marketing version for pitching the finished script.? (Ideally, the two could be one and the same, but in practice that is not alwayRead more
Jamzies:
I advocate composing two loglines for works projects, a development version to rough out the fundamentals of the plot for the work in progress, and eventually a marketing version for pitching the finished script.? (Ideally, the two could be one and the same, but in practice that is not always the case. )
“Gets in too deep” is vague,? needs clarification and specificity. Right now, I am interested in a development logline version of your concept that lays down the fundamental elements:? inciting incident, protagonist, objective goal, antagonist, stakes.? (And it is perfectly kosher for a development version to begin with “when” because it’s for a work in progress, only for private use. I agree that the marketing version for when the finished script goes public should try to avoid leading off with that word.)
See lessTwo directionless twenty-something bartenders are accidentally exposed to information about a fixed horse race and try to take advantage of this potential windfall without tipping their hand to the nasty thugs that planned the caper
I suggest it might work better if they have an urgent need for the money, one that an audience can identify with.Like they're saddled with enormous college loans after graduating with degrees in philosophy or literature (Phd degrees, no less), degrees that have no market value.[For those of you notRead more
I suggest it might work better if they have an urgent need for the money, one that an audience can identify with.
Like they’re saddled with enormous college loans after graduating with degrees in philosophy or literature (Phd degrees, no less), degrees that have no market value.
[For those of you not living in the US, the student loan racket is one of the greatest con jobs and legalized usury schemes every foisted on the American people.? Student loans cannot be forgiven;? if debtors declare bankruptcy, they can’t get out from being liable for their student loans.? It’s outrageous– and it’s legal.]
What I am suggesting is to create audience sympathy for the guys by giving them the same financial problem that afflicts tens of millions of people.? Make their predicament relatable.? As it stands now, there is nothing in the logline to evoke audience sympathy, to get an audience to root for them.
Also, I, too, have to ask why there are two main characters.? Why not just one?? Have you worked out the chemistry of their relationship?? Are they an odd couple who must work together to get of a common predicament?? Or are they best friends whose relationship will be sorely tested as the story progresses?
fwiw
See lessWhen her baby sister is taken by a dark spirit, a Chippawa girl must go on a journey to find Asibikaashi, spider women to help save her sister.
What is a dream catcher?? What particular magical power does this entity have that girl needs?Which brings to my mind another issue I have noticed in other loglines where the protagonist goes in search of someone? endowed with magical powers.? As the revised logline is written it creates the impressRead more
What is a dream catcher?? What particular magical power does this entity have that girl needs?
Which brings to my mind another issue I have noticed in other loglines where the protagonist goes in search of someone? endowed with magical powers.? As the revised logline is written it creates the impression that the girl is looking for someone to transfer the grunt work of rescuing her sister.
But it’s the job description of the protagonist that she herself must do the grunt work of rescuing whoever needs to be rescued or solving the problem that needs to be solved.? In this case, the girl can enlist the help of the dream catcher as a mentor or ally, for wisdom, and even for some timely protection.? But ultimately, the task of rescuing her sister is the girl’s responsibility.? It’s her struggle, her challenge, her responsibility.
This is the basic structure of hero’s journey and struggle as Joseph Campbell points out in extensive surveys of Occidental and Oriental mythology.? (See his discussion of “supernatural aid”? and “the ultimate boon” in “The Hero with a 1,000 Faces”.)
So I suggest the logline be framed such that there is no question she will remain the true and singular protagonist from start to finish.? She seeking help — not someone to whom she can subcontract the hard work.
fwiw
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