1. Posted: February 15, 2017In:

    A whiny arrogant owner of a store is being visited by three different spirits in order for him to preserve and save his relations with his closed ones.

    dpg Singularity

    A protagonist should be proactive. ?But the "whiny arrogant owner" seems more reactive than proactive, more acted upon by the spirits than acting of his own accord.As a result of the visitation, what becomes his objective goal? ?What must he do? ?How specifically must he "preserve and save his relatRead more

    A protagonist should be proactive. ?But the “whiny arrogant owner” seems more reactive than proactive, more acted upon by the spirits than acting of his own accord.

    As a result of the visitation, what becomes his objective goal? ?What must he do? ?How specifically must he “preserve and save his relations”?

    And who/what opposes him?

    And what’s at stake? ?What is lost or suffered if he fails, gained if he succeeds?

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  2. Posted: February 15, 2017In:

    A young Thomas Edison must win the top invention prize at the Worlds Fair to prove to his dream girl and her disapproving father that he is worthy before she marries a wealthy suitor.

    Best Answer
    dpg Singularity

    Being helpful entails being honest. ??I call it as I see it.(And I could be wrong -- totally blind on this one. And if I am, if you prove me wrong, be sure to let me know so that I can be the 1st one to congratulate you on selling your script .)I evaluate loglines by several criteria: ? ?1] StructurRead more

    Being helpful entails being honest. ??I call it as I see it.

    (And I could be wrong — totally blind on this one. And if I am, if you prove me wrong, be sure to let me know so that I can be the 1st one to congratulate you on selling your script .)

    I evaluate loglines by several criteria: ? ?1] Structure; ? 2] Hook; 3] Topic; ?4] Marketability.

    Structure: fairly good. ?And while it is necessary for a logline to be well-structured, that by itself isn’t sufficient. ?Other factors come into play besides structure.

    Hook: ? What is it? ?This is a big one for me. ?Other than sort of imitating the template of “Shakespeare in Love”, what makes this romance stand out from the herd? ?How does this story innovate rather than merely imitate? ?What’s the hook in the logline?

    Topic: ?I would give it a passing grade if, IMHO, it were reasonably “inspired by true events”. ?But …

    Marketability: ?To repeat, it’s inevitably going to be compared to “The Last Days of Night” which is already pre-production. ? Just saying.

    fwiw

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  3. Posted: February 15, 2017In:

    When he starts visualizing the sexual fantasies of anyone he touches, a love-struck freshman has one week to find true love or be doomed to rule hell. Title: SixSixSix

    dpg Singularity

    I like the setup of a hapless teen whose imagination is a hyper-hormoned porn site. ?Plenty of comedy material in that. ?Every adolescent male can identify with that situation.But I don't see what's so funny about dooming the kid to hell if he can't find "true love" in one week. ?That seems to be anRead more

    I like the setup of a hapless teen whose imagination is a hyper-hormoned porn site. ?Plenty of comedy material in that. ?Every adolescent male can identify with that situation.

    But I don’t see what’s so funny about dooming the kid to hell if he can’t find “true love” in one week. ?That seems to be an overly contrived story line. ? Why would the Devil care about anyone falling love? ?Love is not his game. ?Why does the Devil want ?to retire?

    And if the kid is the devil’s progeny and successor why hasn’t the he been growing up in hell all along? ? And who’s the mother? ?What say or influence does she have in this?

    So I like the initial predicament. ?But the plot? ?Not so much. ?It raises more questions in my mind than interest.

    fwiw

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