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When an exiled gangster turned priest discovers that his mother is dying, he must make peace with his ex partner in crime in order to return home.
There are a couple of things that bother me more than what stands between the two men.1First, the ACTION the protagonist must take: making peace. It is too general.How can he make peace with the ex partner in crime? Must he make amends for something that he did? Must he run an errand for the crime lRead more
There are a couple of things that bother me more than what stands between the two men.
1
First, the ACTION the protagonist must take: making peace. It is too general.
How can he make peace with the ex partner in crime? Must he make amends for something that he did? Must he run an errand for the crime lord? Then, we ask again: How would that happen? Should he go and apologise? Or give the other man a share of money that he took for himself? Or what?
The answer to the question how will he make peace must be an action that sustains about an hour of film time?the Second Act.
And we need to see it in the logline.
2
The “priest” element does not pay of. It may pay off in the script, but I suggest you make the payoff evident (or implied) in the logline.
Why a priest and not a green grocer? It must be more than just characterisation. It should offer some ironic relationship to what happens to him in the story. Perhaps the ex partner in crime comes for a confession? Or as a priest he doesn’t want to kill anymore? Why a priest? Make the “priest” element work. Otherwise name him “a retired ganster.”
See lessWhen Raju accidentaly falls into an abandoned deep tube well, chaos ensues as all efforts to rescue him seem to fail and the only thing he has to hold on to is hope.
"When he falls into an abandoned well breaking his leg, a teenager must rescue himself or die from exhaustion."(A movie like 148 Hours, Open Water, Gerald's Game, Gravity, and Frozen, where the protagonist is the trapped one.)Or:"When an abandoned well collapses on a young boy, a firefighter's teamRead more
“When he falls into an abandoned well breaking his leg, a teenager must rescue himself or die from exhaustion.”
(A movie like 148 Hours, Open Water, Gerald’s Game, Gravity, and Frozen, where the protagonist is the trapped one.)
Or:
“When an abandoned well collapses on a young boy, a firefighter’s team must save him before he suffocates.”
Here, the protagonist is the rescuer.
You can choose to show both sides and that is ok, although more challenging (dual protagonist).
Why does “chaos ensue?” It’s often tempting to blur the story’s specifics by resorting to generic and clich? expressions. This is bad writing, first of all because it impedes our thinking. When we write the story, at one point or another we will have to come up with specific events. Thus, let’s cut to the chase:
Why can’t they take the boy out? Has the well collapsed on top of him? Is there a flood? Decide what the big obstacle is and put it in the logline.
See lessAfter her mother loses her battle with cancer, a grief stricken 13-year-old girl loses her faith in God and contemplates suicide.
It feels more like the start of a movie. Not that I haven't seen movies where things evolve very slowly, with hesitant protagonists contemplating a lot, etc.But at least give the girl some action to pursue for the whole film. Some objective. Even if minimal.Also, avoid poetic expressions that eat upRead more
It feels more like the start of a movie. Not that I haven’t seen movies where things evolve very slowly, with hesitant protagonists contemplating a lot, etc.
But at least give the girl some action to pursue for the whole film. Some objective. Even if minimal.
Also, avoid poetic expressions that eat up word real estate?yes, loglines are ruthless at that.
loses her battle with cancer = 5 words
dies of cancer = 3 words
dies = 1 word.
Do we really need to know the cause of death in the logline?
In a similar manner, grief-stricken is unnecessary. Unless otherwise stated (which would be a surprise), anyone losing a parent would be grief stricken.
So, I would cut to the chase:
Then give her an objective and an ACTION.
See less