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When faced with the agony of getting real jobs after graduation, a hapless hair metal band must make their way to LA for a shot at a huge record deal but a former classmate (and failed musician) works for the label and will stop at nothing to see they flop.
Hey! Great work here. I have a few thoughts. 1) Do we need "When faced with the agony of getting real jobs after graduation"? It doesn't seem to impact the rest of the story because they don't break up and look for real jobs. 2) I think you could explain your band a little better, something more preRead more
Hey! Great work here. I have a few thoughts.
See less1) Do we need “When faced with the agony of getting real jobs after graduation”? It doesn’t seem to impact the rest of the story because they don’t break up and look for real jobs.
2) I think you could explain your band a little better, something more precise. Something like this bad example “thick make-up, big-haired rock band…’ I know exactly what type of fellas these are.
3) Once you introduced the antagonist you use 19 works to get your message across, most good loglines are between 25-30 in total. Try getting that down. I like the guy though, classic chip on his shoulder kinda dude that is a mad pain in the ass and only has that job because his daddy got it for his…something like that I’m sure haha.
4) This is the painful note, I hate getting it and I hate giving it…stakes, what are they? What happens if these guys fail? At the moment it seems like it will just be a pain in the ass to go and find real jobs but that isn’t enough? Not if the antagonist is going to stop at nothing, he/she is going to easily win here. Something to think about. I’m sure you have it it’s just about getting it down here.
Great work, cool premise, I’ll buy a ticket so keep it up!
A martriarch fights to keep her family together amid hurtful secrets.
Hey, nice work. I have two questions; 1) What happens if her family falls apart? I know it would be sad but that might not be enough. 2) Can you give us a descriptive word about the mother? I personally jumped to thinking about my mum because she is the matriarch in my family but that's not really wRead more
Hey, nice work. I have two questions; 1) What happens if her family falls apart? I know it would be sad but that might not be enough. 2) Can you give us a descriptive word about the mother? I personally jumped to thinking about my mum because she is the matriarch in my family but that’s not really what you want, you want us thinking about THIS woman and what she might do. Keep it up!
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