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A man makes numerous phone calls trying to negotiate his own safety while travelling to his gangster boss to confess his failure, finally having to settle for saving his family from revenge.
After failing his mission, a criminal tries to negotiate his own safety while traveling to confront his gangster boss, and ultimately rescue his family. Admittedly my longline isn't the greatest, but I think you need to to re-word this so it streamlines it. The protagonist needs a descriptor other tRead more
After failing his mission, a criminal tries to negotiate his own safety while traveling to confront his gangster boss, and ultimately rescue his family.
Admittedly my longline isn’t the greatest, but I think you need to to re-word this so it streamlines it.
The protagonist needs a descriptor other then “a man”. Who is he? Did he fail his mission because he’s having a crisis of conscience? Or is he simply a gangster that failed? What’s redeeming about this man/gangster that makes us want to root for him?
Why does he need to confess his failure? ?His boss would already have gotten word that he failed his mission, no? ?I think it’s better if the boss knows so the whole script they’re at odds, and he’s FORCED to go confront his boss because his family’s lives are at stake, and he can’t simply disappear or walk away.
No one would “settle” for saving their family from revenge. That should be the driving action that makes him step up. ?People may be criminals, but the love of family if the strongest motivator of all.
See lessWhen a nightmarish bogeyman intrudes into her friends’ dreams and kills them for real, a teenager must find a way to defeat him, before she becomes his next victim.
It's too close to Nightmare on Elm Street. It needs a twist. Same thing but done differently. Maybe instead of "in their dreams" the boogey man gets to them in a different way? Or perhaps be more inventive with the "Nightmarish Bogeyman". Could be someone they did some injustice to that was killed aRead more
It’s too close to Nightmare on Elm Street. It needs a twist. Same thing but done differently. Maybe instead of “in their dreams” the boogey man gets to them in a different way? Or perhaps be more inventive with the “Nightmarish Bogeyman”. Could be someone they did some injustice to that was killed and is back for revenge? ?Play with and explore this a bit more to add a new element to something that’s already been done.
See lessOn her journey to San Antonio to join her father, a young illegal immigrant works on a farm in South Texas where workers keep disappearing as the avocado trees flourish.
I agree with some of the other comments here. I love that protagonist is a female illegal immigrant. That really puts her at a disadvantage starting out, and the odds are against her. Stick with that as your main character. It makes sense to me that she should be going to the farm because she just cRead more
I agree with some of the other comments here. I love that protagonist is a female illegal immigrant. That really puts her at a disadvantage starting out, and the odds are against her. Stick with that as your main character. It makes sense to me that she should be going to the farm because she just crossed illegally, and is looking for work. If her father works there, and she believes he can help her get a job, her motivation would make sense. To me, the inciting incident should be that when she arrives at the farm her father has vanished under mysterious circumstances. ?Also odd, as he was expecting her and wouldn’t just leave. The plot line would then make sense as to why she isn’t simply fleeing. She’s searching for her missing father and trying to uncover this mystery of the disappearing workers. I like your set up, and would love to see this written!
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