1. Posted: August 17, 2018In:

    After giving nourishment and shelter to a wounded, fugitive vampire, a love-struck yet timid teen joins her quest: to assassinate her Sire before he starts a vampiric civil war.

    KW Logliner

    My first impression is simply we don't know enough about the lead. Who is he? What are his weaknesses? Why is this going to be difficult for him to overcome? I wouldn't bother saying 'bright future' unless this is relevant to the plot. Ie: What he stands to lose if he should fail. I don't feel thatRead more

    My first impression is simply we don’t know enough about the lead. Who is he? What are his weaknesses? Why is this going to be difficult for him to overcome?

    I wouldn’t bother saying ‘bright future’ unless this is relevant to the plot. Ie: What he stands to lose if he should fail. I don’t feel that this logline gives the reader enough to make them connect or understand the guy or the girl.

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  2. Posted: February 24, 2018In:

    After losing her partner in dance competition and being stuck in physical therapy for her injuries, the girl must find another partner to win the upcoming competition in which her coach suggested a perfectly skilled street fighter with no dance experience.

    KW Logliner

    Okay, so there a few things odd here. The first sentence confused me. What do you mean 'lost'? Did he die? Did he go out for a smoke and couldn't find the door back in? Also, what on earth happened to her to give her injuries? As someone else said, this sounds like un-necessary backstory, and at thiRead more

    Okay, so there a few things odd here.

    The first sentence confused me. What do you mean ‘lost’? Did he die? Did he go out for a smoke and couldn’t find the door back in? Also, what on earth happened to her to give her injuries? As someone else said, this sounds like un-necessary backstory, and at this point is more distracting than helpful.

    What really interests me is the street-fighter. This sound like a lot more interesting story to me. How on earth does a street-fighter end up in a dance contest? That’s a story I’d like to know more about.

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  3. Posted: July 11, 2017In:

    When a girl falls in love with an alien, she must fight to stop the government and developers from destroying the lake that keeps him alive. This is a mixed genre – Thriller/Sci-Fi/Romance.

    KW Logliner

    I'm only an amateur at this, but personally, I prefer your original. "when a girl falls in love with an alien...' is a great starting hook and immediately caught my attention. "... fight to stop the government and developers from destroying the lake that keeps him alive." ... clearly shows the antagRead more

    I’m only an amateur at this, but personally, I prefer your original.

    “when a girl falls in love with an alien…’ is a great starting hook and immediately caught my attention.

    “… fight to stop the government and developers from destroying the lake that keeps him alive.” … clearly shows the antagonist and what is at stake.

    The revisions are good, but I don’t think are anywhere near as catchy as the first.

    By bringing in other elements like “her strange genetics” and “Government mercenaries” I feel just clouds up the logline, while the original was crisp and simple.

    … at least in my opinion.

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