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A timid, admin clerk reluctantly chooses to be the only stable friend of an erratic, homeless woman she had idolised back when they were School Captain.
This idea seems promising but is a little thin on content. A few good questions to ask yourself: --What does the main character want? (This can illuminate why she's reluctant.) --What's in her way? (this is a great method for hooking readers.) --How can I give the the logline as much momentum as posRead more
This idea seems promising but is a little thin on content.
A few good questions to ask yourself:
–What does the main character want? (This can illuminate why she’s reluctant.)
–What’s in her way? (this is a great method for hooking readers.)
–How can I give the the logline as much momentum as possible?
From the logling, it’s not really clear where the story is going. Consider: “When a timid admin clerk suddenly becomes the only stable friend of an erratic homeless person, she unravels the haunting story of how her high-school idol fell from grace.”
See lessAfter gaining superpowers, a group of clumsy and incompetent young adults set out to become the world?s first supervillains, but must first gain control over their city from the corrupt, but powerful superheroes who protect it.
I agree with Mr Griffiths on all counts - too wordy, but the concept rocks! Consider: "After gaining superpowers, a group of awkward teens set out to become the world?s first supervillains - by taking control of their city from corrupt superheroes."
I agree with Mr Griffiths on all counts – too wordy, but the concept rocks!
Consider: “After gaining superpowers, a group of awkward teens set out to become the world?s first supervillains – by taking control of their city from corrupt superheroes.”
See lessA three month pregnant healthcare worker's grim shift at the local psychiatric hospital is disturbed when a possessed patient wants her in horrific fear, at the sight of the demonic being that lives inside her.
Your concept seems quite interesting with a lot of potential for scares, but I'm struggling to follow the logline. "A three month pregnant healthcare worker" This feels a little too detailed. Is it essential that we know how many months? Consider "A newly-pregnant" or "An expectant mother". I thinkRead more
Your concept seems quite interesting with a lot of potential for scares, but I’m struggling to follow the logline.
“A three month pregnant healthcare worker”
This feels a little too detailed. Is it essential that we know how many months? Consider “A newly-pregnant” or “An expectant mother”. I think you can omit “healthcare worker” since that’s implied in the next phrase, but that’s up to you.
“grim shift”
‘Grim’ is a good word, but it might be more powerful placed elsewhere. Is the shift grim to begin with? If so, what makes it grim? Consider “An expectant mother’s shift at the psychiatric hospital turns grim when…” — this way the shift starts off normal.
“a possessed patient wants her in horrific fear”
This phrase isn’t grammatically correct. Can you clarify what the possessed patient is doing / desiring?
“at the sight of the demonic being that lives inside her.”
I’m also a bit lost with the pronouns here – so far, the only “her” we’ve had is the psych worker. Who is seeing the demonic being? Who does it live inside – is it the baby?
Another aspect to approach is this: what is it about your story in particular that makes it different from other supernatural horrors? Can you capture some of the Act II conflict in a few words?
My take:
See less“An expectant mother’s shift at the psychiatric hospital turns grim when a possessed patient makes an attempt at her life – and the unholy life of her unborn child.”