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A broken woman finds herself married to a highly respected deacon, but must now escape a life of abuse and ultimately find her own true spiritual identity.
Saying "finds herself married" makes it sound accidental. Why is she a broken woman? (I know because I've read previous versions of this logline but newbies won't). The inciting incident isn't really evident in this version. You need to give us the moment that flipped her seemingly happy life upsideRead more
Saying “finds herself married” makes it sound accidental. Why is she a broken woman? (I know because I’ve read previous versions of this logline but newbies won’t).
The inciting incident isn’t really evident in this version. You need to give us the moment that flipped her seemingly happy life upside down – to me that’s when her husband, whom she thought was perfect, starting abusing her.
The goal of finding her spiritual identity… what does that look like on screen? Film is a visual medium so it’s important to think about what will be happening on screen.
Is the fact that he’s a highly respected deacon relevant? In my head, change this to any other profession and it doesn’t make a lot of difference. The important bit for me is understanding why this is so difficult for her and that comes from her past. Consider describing her as a “child abuse victim” or something similar as this suggests why it will be so much harder for her to find herself in this situation again.
Hope this all helps.
See lessWith the Wild imagination that Chase Jones has, even he is surprised to be teaching ESL to a group of cocky, confident, sexy, funny, and all around goofy set of Immigrants who at all cost must pass the class, or risk being deported from the United States.
Have a look at the "Our formula" page to help with formatting. It's not far off and most of the components are there but at 47 words it could definitely do with being trimmed down. Ideally it needs to be 35 words or under.Inciting incident - currently this is the protagonist finding himself teachingRead more
Have a look at the “Our formula” page to help with formatting. It’s not far off and most of the components are there but at 47 words it could definitely do with being trimmed down. Ideally it needs to be 35 words or under.
Inciting incident – currently this is the protagonist finding himself teaching ESL (don’t assume everyone knows what ESL is by the way – maybe just say English). We need to understand why this is a big deal, why is he so surprised at it? This also needs to relate very closely to his goal (more on that in a bit).
Protagonist – You need to tell us information about this character that is directly relevant to the story you’re trying to tell. Firstly, scrap his name – it doesn’t tell us anything about him and it’s a waste of two words. Replace this with something informative – a profession, age, etc, as long as it’s related to the story. He’s wildly imaginative… great but how does this have any bearing on what will happen to him. Instead consider his major character flaw – this is what will change over the course of his story – otherwise known as his arc. In my head this would work better if you described him as “xenophobic”. Conflict is story and immediately you’ve thrown a guy who doesn’t like anything foreign with foreigners who can’t even speak the language… makes for entertaining viewing in my book. Dramatic irony is your friend!
Goal – As I mentioned previously, this must relate very heavily to the inciting incident. The I.I. asks a question of the protagonist and the goal is his answer e.g. What do you do when a shark kills a tourist on your beach? You try to kill the shark. Question and answer. As Richiev pointed out, your students have goals – to pass the class – but currently your protagonist doesn’t.
Stakes – It’s not essential to include stakes but we must have some idea why this is important to the protagonist – why can’t he just walk away. If the I.I. includes someone’s life at risk then the stakes are obvious but here it’s a little less apparent. The students risk being deported but what does the teacher risk? What happens if he fails?
When financial instability forces him to teach English to immigrants, an unemployed xenophobe must help a ragtag bunch of foreigners pass the class or risk losing his house and his family.? (31 words)
It’s not perfect by any means but I can see conflict, I can see a goal, I can see stakes, I can see humour, and I can see a nice arc for the protagonist.
I like the premise though and I look forward to seeing how this develops.
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen a troubled teenage mother finds her abandoned newborn is cared for by occultist foster parents, she has 72 hours to save him before he is sacrificed to Devil.
As Richiev has amended in his version, the inciting incident is the moment she knows her baby is in danger. That's the event that ties up with the goal of saving her child. How does she find this out by the way? Not saying it's not possible obviously, I just want to check that it's plausible. Is theRead more
As Richiev has amended in his version, the inciting incident is the moment she knows her baby is in danger. That’s the event that ties up with the goal of saving her child.
How does she find this out by the way? Not saying it’s not possible obviously, I just want to check that it’s plausible. Is there a wider conspiracy involving the people who determine the foster parents of these kids? Or are these foster parents just really good at hiding who they really are?
Interesting idea!
See less