1. Posted: October 12, 2018In:

    Violence is personal for this genetically engineered assassin when he is targeted by three major Syndicates for the death of his employer, a Syndicate patriarch, and must clear his name.

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    Fancy words does not a fancy logline make. Why say patriarch when, as Richiev has done, you could say Boss. Check out the formula tab for help with formatting. For what it's worth, this is by far the best logline of yours that I've read. Largely because it's simple. It's a simple story, with a simplRead more

    Fancy words does not a fancy logline make. Why say patriarch when, as Richiev has done, you could say Boss.

    Check out the formula tab for help with formatting.

    For what it’s worth, this is by far the best logline of yours that I’ve read. Largely because it’s simple. It’s a simple story, with a simple character, dramatic irony (assassin being targeted),?an inciting incident that clearly upsets the balance in his life and an obvious primal goal (survival and to clear his name) that will correct the imbalance.

    All of the best stories are remarkably simple. This one interests me and I’m keen to see your next version. Just make sure that you don’t lose the hook – to me that’s the whole genetic engineering bit. Keep that front and centre!

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  2. Posted: October 11, 2018In:

    When her older husband dies of viagra overdose, leaving her cuffed on the bed frame, a sexually frustrated woman must break free or die alone in their isolated lake house.

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    I agree with your comment about "sexually frustrated". That suggests consent, possibly even that it was her idea. I haven't seen the film so what's her arc? Is there a characteristic you can use that ties in more closely to the emotional journey she goes on?

    I agree with your comment about “sexually frustrated”. That suggests consent, possibly even that it was her idea. I haven’t seen the film so what’s her arc? Is there a characteristic you can use that ties in more closely to the emotional journey she goes on?

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  3. Posted: September 28, 2018In:

    After falling in love a doctor while recovering in a hospital a woman find out she’s in coma. Now she must decide, will she wake up and go back to her life or will she stay?

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    There is some ambiguity in this logline. When you say "will she stay" do you mean stay in the coma or stay with the Doctor she has fallen in love with? We need to understand enough about her current life to understand why this choice may be difficult for her. Is she actually happily married with chiRead more

    There is some ambiguity in this logline. When you say “will she stay” do you mean stay in the coma or stay with the Doctor she has fallen in love with? We need to understand enough about her current life to understand why this choice may be difficult for her. Is she actually happily married with children but she has secretly been hiding her attraction to women ? (I’m basing this on your previous loglne although I admit this might have changed since then… you don’t specify a gender in this version) This is then a story about her being true to herself – something easily relatable.

    I think the idea of searching through her memories to effectively find out who she is and determine her course of action is a good one. Quite similar to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind though… just something to be aware of.

    Her goal is to make a decision. This is not a visual goal as all the action happens inside the character’s head. I get that much of the action will be happening inside the character’s head anyway but visually she needs to be doing something interesting for the audience. Can you think of a way to make the two options tangible, visual goals. Perhaps she’s on a quest in her mind to find a magical McGuffin which allows her to travel back but on the journey things happen that make her question whether she even wants to return or stay?

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