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“When her domineering boyfriend forces her to join the army the Potomac with him, a meek farmgirl fights for the North and for her relationship as she succeeds in battle just as his cowardice grows.”
Do you mean "Army of the Potomac"? I'm from the UK so my American History is not great.Describing him as domineering doesn't make me want them to stay together. Can't they both be happy to sign up but her bravery and his cowardice force them apart on the battlefield? This doesn't bother her, but affRead more
Do you mean “Army of the Potomac”? I’m from the UK so my American History is not great.
Describing him as domineering doesn’t make me want them to stay together. Can’t they both be happy to sign up but her bravery and his cowardice force them apart on the battlefield? This doesn’t bother her, but affects him and their relationship. She begins to enjoy her successes and new found fame. This would really closely connect her success on the battlefield to the degradation of the relationship. Act III is then her making the choice between her fame and the man she loves.
Is this primarily a love story? Is her goal to save the relationship?
See lessA man exploits his friends cocaine habit to finish a script by a deadline.
After his deadline is unexpectedly brought forward, a washed up screenwriter snorts his friend's finest Colombian nose-candy in a bid to finish the script in 24 hours.
After his deadline is unexpectedly brought forward, a washed up screenwriter snorts his friend’s finest Colombian nose-candy in a bid to finish the script in 24 hours.
See lessAfter being invited to a father daughter picnic by a Dean of a prestigious University, a sleazy community college professor extorts a struggling older student to impersonate a Dr. so he can reconnect with his estranged daughter by convincing her that he has cancer.
This new version is an interesting direction for the story. Who's the protagonist though? If it's the professor, how is the audience going to connect with someone who is "sleazy"? Why is he sleazy? I kinda want the protagonist to be the struggling student. He's got a more interesting part to play. TRead more
This new version is an interesting direction for the story. Who’s the protagonist though? If it’s the professor, how is the audience going to connect with someone who is “sleazy”? Why is he sleazy? I kinda want the protagonist to be the struggling student. He’s got a more interesting part to play. The professor can offer him better grades if he does this for him so there’s a nice moral dilemma plus a potential romantic connection with the daughter? The professor, to me, sounds like a bit of an idiot. I want him to be the antagonist who ends up being learning from the student to not be such a dick. Admittedly though, the professor clearly has a bigger arc in this story. Perhaps the student takes a bit of a Forrest Gump / Chance (from Being There) role – a bit of a fool who ends up being the smartest guy in the room (see Blake Snyder’s “Fool Triumphant” in Save the Cat!).
What does the Dean of the prestigious university have to do with it? Just saying “father/daughter picnic” works just as well. Why is the host of this picnic relevant to the story? Can you think of a stronger inciting incident?
At 44 words this is too long. It can easily be trimmed though. Just focus on what’s relevant to the story and cut the rest.
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