Why would his boss entrust his daughter’s safety to a janitor just because he’s tough looking? He might be a cheapskate but surely his daughter is worth more than that? How is a janitor supposed to be able to protect someone from a hitman when, based on the logline, he has no training, he’s not necessarily clever, or strong, or fast. He simply looks tough. We need to believe he has a chance in succeeding.?

What’s the inciting incident? Accepting overtime? Getting roped into protecting the daughter? I don’t understand why the janitor would put his life on the line to protect a girl just for some easy cash… surely there are better ways?

Why is the hitman targeting the daughter? By trying to keep it a secret from her you’re potentially missing out on a huge chunk of conflict between the protagonist, the daughter, and the father so why must she never learn? Easier to keep someone safe when they know they’re in danger I would imagine. Surely, as soon as the first attempt fails, she’ll know though? Unless you have other ideas?

>>> saving money for his mother’s operation
This is something that’s a passing comment: “I need the cash to pay for Mom’s operation” but it holds no bearing on the rest of the story. As a motivator, keeping someone alive (and yourself while you’re at it I assume) is a much more powerful motive for moving through the story. I feel like this is just a lengthy way of saying he’s a good guy – the cliched “tough guy with a heart of gold”. I feel like that should be part of the inciting incident but I don’t think anyone’s gonna care too much about his mother when the bullets start flying. Plus the inciting incident should be more connected to the rest of the story e.g. “After saving his boss’s daughter’s life…”

Hope this helps.

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What’s the inciting incident that kicks the story off? This event should have a direct relationship to the rest of the story e.g. swimmer gets killed by shark, men try to kill shark.?How does simply “stepping up” to her result in him entering her world. Surely they have to interact. She has to let him in? What actually happens in this scene? When he steps up to her, does he see a dead body at her feet? Does she warn him not to pursue her? Does she kidnap him? Does she ask for help? Give us a little more to go on.

“Boy”… you might want to clarify the age we’re talking about here. Boy (to me) suggests pre-teen (otherwise you’d say teenager). If it’s a “boy” there’d be an assumption that the girl is of similar age. We need a few more specifics about the characters to understand the world we’re in.

What starts off as a logline for a romance, suddenly talks about seduction and murder – it’s a big leap with no connection between the elements. Why is this a horror film and not a thriller?

Is his goal to get the girl? To stop the murders? To save the girl? To “learn the great and terrible things Man is capable of”? Give him a clear visual goal e.g. to kill the shark.

“learn the great and terrible things Man is capable of” – this is a lot of unnecessary words that don’t add anything to the logline. Every story involves someone learning something and it’s usually finding out that they are better than they thought or someone else is worse than they imagined… this is pretty much a given. Don’t clutter up a logline with words that don’t tell us about the story.

This is all very vague and, at the moment, I don’t understand what the story is about. Give us more information and be specific.

I look forward to the next draft.