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After giving nourishment and shelter to a wounded, fugitive vampire, a love-struck yet timid teen joins her quest: to assassinate her Sire before he starts a vampiric civil war.
This new version reads more like a tagline for the book cover. It's lost a bit of something that makes it unique. To me it doesn't read like a thriller, more of a romance. As KW pointed out, we need to know more about this guy - he had a bright future... great but how does this in any way affect theRead more
This new version reads more like a tagline for the book cover. It’s lost a bit of something that makes it unique. To me it doesn’t read like a thriller, more of a romance. As KW pointed out, we need to know more about this guy – he had a bright future… great but how does this in any way affect the story? What’s he got a bright future in? What’s his arc? Personally, I’d go back to the first and tweak that one – it was a stronger starting point.
See lessAfter giving nourishment and shelter to a wounded, fugitive vampire, a love-struck yet timid teen joins her quest: to assassinate her Sire before he starts a vampiric civil war.
If the main story is about the assassination of the vampire, the inciting incident should relate to that in some way - cause and effect. Him "man-ing" up isn't the bit that introduces us to this story because it's not the bit that sets everything in motion - it's just a boy plucking up the courage tRead more
If the main story is about the assassination of the vampire, the inciting incident should relate to that in some way – cause and effect. Him “man-ing” up isn’t the bit that introduces us to this story because it’s not the bit that sets everything in motion – it’s just a boy plucking up the courage to talk to a girl. The inciting incident (to me) needs to focus on him finding out that the leader is after her. Your inciting incident should ALWAYS be in your logline.
I have a few questions that I think need clarifying.
– Are vampires common place in this world? If it’s set in “our” world then surely the kid should be super freaked out when he discovers the girl he likes is a vampire? Does he know she’s a vampire when he walks up to her?
– Does she like him too? This isn’t specified. If she’s a vampire, why is she not just feeding off him? She’s dangerous!
– Why does their escape fail? Is it related to the vampire leader?
– How does he learn that the only way to be with her is to assassinate the leader?
As Richiev has highlighted, this logline places a lot of emphasis on their escape attempt (approx. two-thirds) but you’ve said that this is just act I. The focus of the logline needs to be on the goal which is to assassinate the leader.
In reality, if the film opens with the guy plucking up the courage to talk to a pretty girl, you have to introduce and explain the vampire world, and you have to get their relationship to a point where the audience will believe that they are in love and should run away together. This is a tall ask (in my opinion) but it’s possible. Consider True Romance – they say they’re in love with each other about 15mins into the film and it still takes a further 15mins to get to the inciting incident BUT we suspend our disbelief because it’s their proclamations of love are immediately reciprocated, there are no hidden motives, no fantasy elements to explain, and a remarkably simple story. My biggest worry with yours (based on your logline) is believing that these two should be together whatever the cost and that doesn’t currently come through. If you can get that across in the logline the audience will fall in line. They’ll follow you anywhere if it’s true love. If you haven’t watched True Romance, watch it!
This kinda leads me to the main character. He’s “timid”. That’s his characteristic. I have no problem believing that he can pluck up the courage to talk to the girl but I have a really hard time believing he can get to a place where he’s willing to kill a vampire. Not just any vampire either… the leader of all vampires! I worry that his arc is almost too big. Even running away from home is a stretch. I feel like he’s going to be dragged through the story by the girl rather than being proactive – she’ll ask him to runaway, she’ll ask him to help kill the leader, etc. He needs to be the one taking positive steps towards the goal. Maybe think about reworking this character so he can pull the story along.
I hope this helps. I really like the True Romance with vampires concept so I’m looking forward to seeing where this goes.
See less“When her domineering boyfriend forces her to join the army the Potomac with him, a meek farmgirl fights for the North and for her relationship as she succeeds in battle just as his cowardice grows.”
There's definitely something in all this. As dpg said, the true story of a woman being unmasked by her pregnancy is great. I think there's something incredibly romantic about the women joining to be with their husbands and the audience wouldn't struggle to get behind her if she signed up under her oRead more
There’s definitely something in all this. As dpg said, the true story of a woman being unmasked by her pregnancy is great.
I think there’s something incredibly romantic about the women joining to be with their husbands and the audience wouldn’t struggle to get behind her if she signed up under her own volition. If he’s forcing her though, the romance dies straight away. His motivation for joining can stay the same and he can turn into a bully when his cowardice (and her prowess) starts showing. As she gets promoted, he almost reveals her true identity to a group of her soldiers resulting in an epic “I am Spartacus” moment where all the soldiers express their loyalty regardless of her gender (even though it’s never confirmed at this moment). This way her desire to save the relationship (and therefore enlist) is totally understandable and more importantly she’s never been forced to do anything. Her merry band of soldiers then becomes her family in a way that the boyfriend (why not husband?) never was and she realises that she wasn’t as happy as she thought she was. The boyfriend then becomes the antagonist. It’s a classic Fool Triumphant (Undercover Fool) film with the boyfriend becoming the “Insider”. Final act is her fighting and winning on the battlefield but she gets mortally wounded and is at death’s door. Her disguise slips and her commanding officer (who represents the establishment and strictly anti-women in war), despite the truth being revealed orders her soldiers to carry “his” body to the med-tent. She ends up dying as a medal is pinned on her. We then discover that the whole story is being told to her child who was raised by her tent-mate with the help of the rest of her band of soldiers.
After enlisting incognito to fight by her husband’s side during the Civil War, a meek farmgirl discovers her true calling as she’s promoted through the ranks while her cowardly husband flounders and threatens to unmask her.
Lacks a clear goal but I really like the idea of a Fool Triumphant based on real life.
I hope you find a story in all this. I would watch it!
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