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This is a personal spec
A logline should be 1 sentence and ideally no more than 40 words (but preferably as few as possible). Check out the formula tab for help with how to format a logline. As CraigDGriffiths said, specificity is good. Deep history - what's that? Tragedy - what happened? Vengeance - on who? Love of his liRead more
A logline should be 1 sentence and ideally no more than 40 words (but preferably as few as possible). Check out the formula tab for help with how to format a logline.
As CraigDGriffiths said, specificity is good. Deep history – what’s that? Tragedy – what happened? Vengeance – on who? Love of his life – who/what’s this? Has he just lost the love of his life or everything?
Also, currently you seem to have two goals. 1) seeking vengeance 2) protecting his family (although I’m confused by who he is protecting his family from). Which is his primary goal?
Removing certain words can easily reduce your logline down. “is hit with tragedy” – you’ve told us he loses everything, a reader would understand that’s tragic. “a deep history that he tries to leave behind” – be more specific e.g. “ex-con” or “recovering alcoholic” or “retired hitman”. All of those would hint at a history that he might want to leave behind and can also give us clues as to the nature of the story. For example – if you said “ex-con” we could assume that his criminal past is catching up with him and his old friends might be the antagonistic forces working against him.
Hope this helps. I look forward to the next draft.
See lessA group of students decide to throw one last party for their graduation aboard a luxury cruise liner, but the event slowly starts to turn into a nightmare when a stow away begins to wreak havoc on board, punishing the students for their past wrong doings.
I have the same questions/comments as yqwertz and variable plus a few more. Someone in the group needs to be the protagonist. They need a leader and the logline should focus on this person. Who's going to lead the group? Or, as it's a horror, who's the last person standing? The leader is a good persRead more
I have the same questions/comments as yqwertz and variable plus a few more.
Someone in the group needs to be the protagonist. They need a leader and the logline should focus on this person. Who’s going to lead the group? Or, as it’s a horror, who’s the last person standing? The leader is a good person to kill in a horror as it ups the stakes.
I’ve gotta ask – how can a group of students afford to throw a party on a luxury cruise liner….? A cruise liner suggests a ship that takes hundreds of people around the Caribbean (or similar). A luxury yacht would make more sense to me. If it’s someone’s Daddy’s yacht immediately I have nice mental image of the group of people we’re talking about too. This could just be my interpretation but my google image results show lots of pretty huge ships…
The inciting incident needs to be something specific. Something that can happen in one scene. Like “When the body of a student is found with a message cut into his flesh…” Think visually – what’s that one moment that kick starts the plot? As they’re on a boat and everyone’s gonna be wondering why they don’t just turn the boat around and head home maybe the stowaway sabotages the boat and the radio and they’re stranded at sea. Perfect! Monster in the House!!
“Event slowly turns into a nightmare” – Don’t use slowly! It’s a boring word that makes me think that I’ll spend the first 60mins waiting for something exciting to happen. What I really want is a quick, sharp shock that flips the story in the first 20mins or so. It’s a perfectly normal party then BOOM it’s a nightmare. If you’re planning on teasing the group, making them paranoid and drawing out the reveal then that could work BUT I wouldn’t describe this as happening “slowly” as there will be still be a turning point – that quick, simple moment when they realise they’re not alone.
How is this going to be different to other teen slasher films (scream, I know what you did last summer, etc)? What’s the hook?
Overall I think you just need to focus more on the specifics – wreak havoc how? punishes the students how? Sounds cool though.
See lessJulia a high school girl, learns that her younger sister has a bowel syndrome disorder and should undergo surgery as soon as possible. She decides to go to Texas with her two friends. But in their road trip, they get involved in some adventures.
Check out the formula page for formatting guidance. This is more like the set up than a logline because the story kinda starts when their road trip begins. Currently the two things (road trip and bowel syndrome) seem unrelated and there?s ambiguity as to who the ?she? (she decides to...) is referrinRead more
Check out the formula page for formatting guidance. This is more like the set up than a logline because the story kinda starts when their road trip begins. Currently the two things (road trip and bowel syndrome) seem unrelated and there?s ambiguity as to who the ?she? (she decides to…) is referring to. Since the bulk of the story takes place on the road trip tell us what happens there. What?s their goal? What do they learn? What forces are working against them? Where?s the conflict and where?s the story?
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