As Ckharper has pointed out, the actual goal should be to solve the murder. Making a decision is something that happens inside a character’s head and, visually, is not very interesting for an audience. Those decisions have to be represented on screen in a different way. In my head the decision as to whether or not to pursue this mystery is the Act I to II transition – this is him entering the upside down. I would also consider changing the genre to mystery rather than thriller. Up to you but currently this logline reads as a mystery to me – the genre must be apparent in the logline.

I had a very similar premise – “When a stranger?s corpse tells her he?s an unsolved murder victim, an impetuous journalist must follow his clues and unmask the killer for the story of her career.” – Check out the feedback for that one as it may help with this in some way…. https://loglines.org/logline/when-a-strangers-corpse-appears-in-her-bedroom-and-reveals-he-was-murdered-an-impetuous-movie-critic-must-piece-together-the-clues-and-unmask-the-killer-so-she-can-rest-in-piece/

With your protagonist, you describe his as “haunted” and “young”… Ckharper’s point about being “haunted” is spot on and the youth side of things holds no bearing on the story. Can you give us another characteristic and character word that will give us more information about who this guy is. The characteristic usually goes some way to hinting at the character’s arc through the film – if he’s cynical, he becomes “believing” or “optimistic” perhaps. For the reader to fully understand the story, we need to understand the character.

What are the stakes? What happens if he doesn’t do this? Are there any other antagonistic forces working against him? other than the obvious obviously.

I would rework this to fit the conventional format suggested in the Our formula tab and focus more on the visual goal rather than the internal one e.g. “When the ghost of his deceased best friend asks him for help solving his murder, a lazy shop assistant must follow the clues and solve the mystery so his friend can rest in peace”.

To me the title you’ve suggested “Dead End Job” works nicely with him being a lowly shop assistant or something unaspirational. I do feel this is definitely the title for a comedy film though, not a thriller.?

Hope this helps.

Check out the formula tab to help with formatting.

Why is she competing with her boyfriend when he’s trying to help her? Competing how? I partially agree with Ckharper – if the story is about her injury and her achieving her goal, drop the boyfriend bit BUT most mentors have their own story to tell too (Million Dollar Baby, Eddie the Eagle, etc, etc) and if the story is actually going to have a heavy focus on the relationship between the woman and her mentor then I’d recommend leaving it in in some way.

Inciting Incident – It sounds like this is whatever happened that results in her debilitating injury – “When a serious crash leaves her unable to walk…” or similar. The more tragic this incident is, the greater the journey but it’s important we understand what it is.

Character/characteristic – “young motorcyclist” I wonder if there’s a better way to describe her. We can already assume she’s a motorcyclist based on the information already given (she has a bike crash and she wants to ride across the US). If the fact that she’s “young” is important, i.e. it makes her injury more heartbreaking or can suggest that she’s got time to achieve her dream, then potentially leave it in BUT I feel like it would be better to hint at the emotional journey here instead. Every physical journey in a movie is a representation of an emotional one too. Use this characteristic to tell us what that might. be.

Goal – Great. Simple, easy to visualise.

Antagonistic forces – Her injury… give us specifics here. This is a really key story point and the reader needs to understand the full extent of this injury to understand the story in full.

Stakes – what does she stand to lose? What happens if she doesn’t achieve her goal? We need to understand why this is so important to her.

Ticking clock (not essential) – it’s good for us to feel like there’s a time limit on this. As she’s “young” she could have 60 odd years to achieve this. Why has she got to do it now?

You’ve put the genre for this as “Adventure”… that suggests the film focuses on her journey across the US but that is actually only a very small part of it. Personally, I’d say this was more of a Drama as the bulk of the film will focus on the protagonist trying to “bounce back”.

Hope this helps in some way.