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When a shortage of decent male actors threatens to shut down the high school senior musical, a reserved teenager is coerced into being the romantic lead of her rival but she has more than acting on her mind as she finds herself falling for her costar.
I agree with dpg, the logline could be clearer to make sure that it's immediately obvious what the situation is. This is quite a tricky one because you need to have that setup to understand why she's accepting that role in the first place. I was going to suggest changing it to an all girls school buRead more
I agree with dpg, the logline could be clearer to make sure that it’s immediately obvious what the situation is.
This is quite a tricky one because you need to have that setup to understand why she’s accepting that role in the first place. I was going to suggest changing it to an all girls school but I think it misses a huge element which makes your story interesting – that she is (as dpg suggested) encouraged to take an opposite gender roll because it will be shut down otherwise. I feel like you’ve really thought of this story! I love it!
So… I think it’s just a case of tweaking the logline. The most important bit is gender! Changing her description to “teenage girl” is definitely a start. My issue with her being “reserved” is that if she’s good enough at acting to be offered the role, I don’t see her as being reserved. Actors are usually pretty outgoing confident people. Kinda goes with the territory. I get that you might mean “reserved” in terms of her views on homosexuality etc, but I think another word might be better suited.
I wonder if the male actor originally cast falls ill instead it would be better. The whole production starts off with the hottest guy in school who just happens to be a great actor but he gets ill. Our heroine (who lost the part of female lead to her rival and is her understudy so knows all the lines) is encouraged to take the roll because then there’s a legitimately good reason why they have to keep going – they’ve already spent the money and the ball is rolling. Maybe the boy’s understudy is just a bit crap too (this would be a funny scene) which leads to the director seeing the protagonist mouthing his lines and he gets an idea – something that will draw in the crowds because it’s a bit controversial. This character could be really interesting – encouraging the girl but only for his own personal motivation to get people to come and see his play.
Still tricky – the inciting incident is almost two-fold but I feel like it’s actually when she starts falling in love with her rival. That’s the hook! I’ve tried writing this out a few times and it’s a tough one but I really want you to stick with it because I would go see this! Just streamline it a little and maybe fine tune the reasons why things are happening.
Good luck!
See lessA quirky, slightly neurotic writer must overcome years of social anxiety and isolation in order to win the heart of the man she loves.
I'm with dpg. Why not push her to be totally neurotic - her journey is bigger and much more meaningful. Consider "As Good as it Gets" - Melvin Udall's (Jack Nicholson) OCD is so engrained in his life from the very first time we see him that we understand just how significant his journey is. That filRead more
I’m with dpg. Why not push her to be totally neurotic – her journey is bigger and much more meaningful. Consider “As Good as it Gets” – Melvin Udall’s (Jack Nicholson) OCD is so engrained in his life from the very first time we see him that we understand just how significant his journey is. That film has a very similar premise to this so if you haven’t seen it, check it out!
As dpg pointed out, the goal needs to be more specific and visual. Film is a visual medium – how do you show someone visually overcoming years of social anxiety and isolation? Create a goal that symbolises her overcoming these internal obstacles.
Hope this helps.
See lessAn entire town wakes up with dissociative amnesia and is told to be a part of a voluntary social experiment; when one member of the town begins to suspect they are being held against their will, he launches a secret investigation to rediscover his past.
They can't be "told" to be part of a "voluntary" social experiment. It's a contradiction. Why is only one member of the town investigating? Surely everyone in town would want to know what was going on? Personally, I think you could just go with "When an entire town wakes up with amnesia, the local sRead more
They can’t be “told” to be part of a “voluntary” social experiment. It’s a contradiction.
Why is only one member of the town investigating? Surely everyone in town would want to know what was going on?
Personally, I think you could just go with “When an entire town wakes up with amnesia, the local sheriff must figure out the cause before the community is torn apart.” Or similar – this isn’t perfect at all. It could still be a social experiment, but we don’t need to know that yet. The best thing about amnesia is that the audience discovers stuff at the same time as the characters and by having a few key characters rediscovering themselves you have the opportunity for the audience to connect some dots first – that’s always fun!
I think this would work great as a series.
Hope this helps.
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