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After overlooking abuse witnessed years ago, a reserved transfer student contemplates whether he should of when the same abusive individual is his crushes boyfriend, he tries to save her.
The fact that he overlooked the abuse years ago is somewhat irrelevant to the logline (note - the fact that this boyfriend is a known abuser is still relevant though) although I very much understand that this is important to understanding the character's motivation. I think the whole "student contemRead more
The fact that he overlooked the abuse years ago is somewhat irrelevant to the logline (note – the fact that this boyfriend is a known abuser is still relevant though) although I very much understand that this is important to understanding the character’s motivation. I think the whole “student contemplates whether he should have” is also a little unnecessary. Imagine what watching somebody contemplating something looks like… all the action happens inside the character’s head right? Not very interesting to an audience. ?This is all painting a picture of a character but could you find a better way to condense it perhaps? Call him a “guilt ridden transfer student” or something?
Inciting incident – currently there isn’t really one other than the start of this relationship between the crush and the abuser. This might be enough though but needs to be worded better – “When his crush starts dating an abuser from his past…” or something. By saying “from his past” or similar you can hint at the backstory without spending a lot of words spelling it out.
Goal – To save her. How? Is it his place to save her? Considering she hasn’t actually been abused yet (as far as the logline goes at least) is it morally acceptable for him to get involved? If he’s actually witnessed the abuse then that’s a little different but even then, isn’t it her choice? There is a lot of conflict in a subject like this for sure. In logline terms “he tries to save her” could mean so many things and could sustain a 90 minute film or take a few minutes. I’d recommend working on the goal so it can be more clearly visualised in the reader’s head.
Hope this helps.
See lessIn a cold country ruled by a hard-hearted king, three close rogues commit to a secret quest to find the girl from the prophecy so she could fulfill her destiny as the second Follower and help put an end to the dread of the emerging NightSouls.
I agree with Richiev.Personally, even in fantasy loglines, I try and avoid using names of creatures/characters/things unless it's really clear what they are. NightSouls is interesting but without understanding what the NightSouls are and what their appearance means I would probably recommend using aRead more
I agree with Richiev.
Personally, even in fantasy loglines, I try and avoid using names of creatures/characters/things unless it’s really clear what they are. NightSouls is interesting but without understanding what the NightSouls are and what their appearance means I would probably recommend using a description of them that is more relatable. Same goes for the whole “Second Follower” thing. It means nothing without the context of the story and a reader of a logline won’t have that.
As Richiev asks in his second comment, why not one protagonist? This doesn’t mean you can’t have three rogues still but having one central protagonist creates a stronger emotional story that the audience can empathise with as they are only (largely) dealing with one perspective. (hope that makes sense). ?Most ensemble films still have a central character, like leader of the group – Danny Ocean in Ocean’s 11, Gordy in Stand By Me, etc.?
Summing up, I think you need to give us the stakes (what’s set to be lost if they fail), scrap the king ?bit, focus on one central protagonist (and give him a characteristic that hints at his emotional arc), and streamline the whole girl/prophecy bit so it reads in a succinct and effective way.
Hope this helps.
See lessAn Intelligent student on the verge of expulsion uses embarrassing secrets he uncovered to prove his innocence when he is blamed for a missing classmate.
Check out the formula for help with formatting. I don't understand how using embarrassing secrets proves his innocence... ? To me, they're not related in any way. ?The only way to prove his innocence is to prove he wasn't involved - that involves his own secrets perhaps, but not necessarily any otheRead more
Check out the formula for help with formatting.
I don’t understand how using embarrassing secrets proves his innocence… ? To me, they’re not related in any way. ?The only way to prove his innocence is to prove he wasn’t involved – that involves his own secrets perhaps, but not necessarily any others (unless his own secrets involve others I guess).
Why is he on the verge of explosion? You’ve told us he’s intelligent not a trouble maker.
If the classmate has disappeared are the police involved? How is this student missing? Dead? Ran away?
I think writing something under 15mins is totally doable but the issue here is that the different components have no relationship to each other (yet). His goal is to prove his innocence – we need to know how he’s going to do that. If this is a serious crime, revealing secrets is simply diversionary and would suggest he’s actually guilty. His characteristic “intelligent” would be helpful if his goal was to solve the case but it actually doesn’t really tell us anything useful. If he’s intelligent then surely, to avoid expulsion, he just needs to do his work and get good grades…? Also, using secrets to manipulate other people isn’t a nice quality – he sounds like a bit of a dick to be honest. Why are the audience going to be on his side?
I think something like this would be better:
When he’s accused of being involved in the disappearance of a classmate, a popular teenager must uncover the truth to prove his innocence.?
There’s still issues with this such as why wouldn’t you just leave the police to do their jobs but I’m glossing over that for now. If he’s being framed, for example, it can neatly fill that in.
Personally, I think the whole embarrassing secrets thing doesn’t work as it has no relevance to the rest of the plot (as I currently understand it from this logline).
Hope this helps.
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