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When his mother sacrifices herself for his escape, a young boy must find magical body armour in order to defeat the vengeful spirits pursuing him.
When his magical mother sacrifices herself for his escape, a young boy must find his slain father's enchanted armour to defeat his grandfather, a supreme being, who seeks to rid the boy of his humanity and sit alongside him in the heavens.A bit wordy still but I think it's a little better.
When his magical mother sacrifices herself for his escape, a young boy must find his slain father’s enchanted armour to defeat his grandfather, a supreme being, who seeks to rid the boy of his humanity and sit alongside him in the heavens.
A bit wordy still but I think it’s a little better.
See lessWhen twin sisters contest to get young rich person, they face chaotic life.
>>>?The twin sisters love a guy?.they compute each other to get him?this leads choatic in their life? Ok, competing for the same guy is great but who's the protagonist? Why are the audience going to root for two girls who are competing for the affections of a man? We need to want one of theRead more
>>>?The twin sisters love a guy?.they compute each other to get him?this leads choatic in their life?
Ok, competing for the same guy is great but who’s the protagonist? Why are the audience going to root for two girls who are competing for the affections of a man? We need to want one of them to succeed. Alternatively, make the guy the protagonist…
You still need an inciting incident. Something that sets up why they are suddenly competing for this guy.
As dpg pointed out, chaos is an unintended consequence. The characters need to be seen to be taking positive action towards their goal. This may lead to chaos but that is not what is driving the story forward – chaos is simply a side effect of their actions. These actions need to be described in the logline.
See lessWhen twin sisters contest to get young rich person, they face chaotic life.
What's the inciting incident that sets off the story? How does it make their lives chaotic? Think visually - film is a visual medium so how is this gonna be portrayed on screen? Be more specific. When their billionaire father financially cuts them off, spoilt, superficial twin sisters compete to finRead more
What’s the inciting incident that sets off the story? How does it make their lives chaotic? Think visually – film is a visual medium so how is this gonna be portrayed on screen? Be more specific.
When their billionaire father financially cuts them off, spoilt, superficial twin sisters compete to find and marry the wealthiest man before they’re forced to seek employment.
This isn’t great but you get the picture. Inciting incident, characteristics that suggest an arc, a clear goal and a ticking clock. I think the story could work better if you focused on one of the sisters so you have a clear protagonist. This way it’s much easier to show one realising the error of her ways and deciding to get a job and support herself, and the other finding a man who’s rich but a jerk and she ends up miserable. Or one finding love but the guy is poor. It really depends what you want your message to be.
Hope this helps.
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