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When the Miami Dolphin’s mascot is kidnapped, an unorthodox pet detective is hired to track down the missing dolphin before the Superbowl.
This is one of those stories where there's a lot of additional information that could potentially improve this logline but it's difficult to include certain bits without having to provide further explanation. His personal motivation is more for the pay check and to show up the police but it's not diRead more
This is one of those stories where there’s a lot of additional information that could potentially improve this logline but it’s difficult to include certain bits without having to provide further explanation. His personal motivation is more for the pay check and to show up the police but it’s not directly related to the inciting incident. Speaking of which, the I.I could arguably be when Ace is hired… but this is not as interesting or visual as the actual kidnap.
As far as Ace goes, this is one of those stories with a flat arc. The character himself doesn’t change through the course of the film. He goes from a bit of a joke to being more accepted so it’s more about the changing attitudes of those around him.
See lessA drifter finds some stability in his life when he is granted a job as a bartender for Tokyo’s premiere hotel, the Tengen. When a childhood friend is murdered within the alleys of the hotel, the drifter learns that the glitz and glamor of the Tengen is a front for a prominent yakuza organization. Now entwined in the conspiracy, he finds his delicate existence threatened as he is unceremoniously thrust into the criminal underworld of Tokyo.
A logline should be, ideally, 25-35 words. We don't need to know the name of the hotel, we don't need anywhere near as much detail to still understand the basic premise for the film. Random thought - if he's a drifter, isn't it a bit coincidental that his childhood friend is murdered right where he'Read more
A logline should be, ideally, 25-35 words. We don’t need to know the name of the hotel, we don’t need anywhere near as much detail to still understand the basic premise for the film.
Random thought – if he’s a drifter, isn’t it a bit coincidental that his childhood friend is murdered right where he’s suddenly started working. He clearly hasn’t drifted too far from home… why does he have to be a drifter? It doesn’t seem to have any bearing on the story.
What’s his goal? There’s a lot of words in this logline but none of it actually tells us what he’s trying to do. Uncover the yakuza? Stay alive? What’s his goal?
The inciting incident is a bit weak. He’s simply finding out that his friend died in the alleys of the hotel…. why can’t he witness the murder? What better way to get him in up to his neck in the conspiracy that to drop him right in. If he just finds out in passing, the yakuza aren’t aware of his presence. For his existence to be threatened and for him to become entwined in it, surely he has to see it first hand?
The idea of a Tokyo noir film is great! Trim this down, find a goal, and tie it all together and I think you’ll have something here!
See lessWhen a desperate fugitive randomly chooses the house of a reclusive lock-in to hide out in, he must pander to her love-starved attention or risk being discovered by the police. – A dark romantic comedy.
I like the sound of this. How does he randomly choose? Does he just run into the first house or does he see her in the window and think she's attractive so selects that one? I think saying randomly chooses is a bit of a null statement - a choice suggests forethought, even subconsciously. As the protRead more
I like the sound of this.
How does he randomly choose? Does he just run into the first house or does he see her in the window and think she’s attractive so selects that one? I think saying randomly chooses is a bit of a null statement – a choice suggests forethought, even subconsciously. As the protagonist, I want him to have a reason for picking her house. Comedically I think you could play around with reasons he picks her house – maybe he likes a drink and notices an empty bottle of his favourite whiskey in her trash, or she’s got a confederate flag hanging outside. Alternatively, think of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang – Robert Downey Jr is running away from the cops and finds himself in an audition right after his partner has been killed ?(spoiler: he nails it!) – mistaken identity works great! Maybe she believes he’s a plumber and she’s watched one too many 70s porn films?
Really minor point, “lock-in to hide out in” – I would tweak to remove the repetition of “in”. You could maybe say agoraphobic or (possibly a better suggestion) give her another characteristic and call her a recluse e.g. lonely recluse or even love-starved recluse and then remove that before “attention” to reduce the word count further. Use this to set the comedic tone.
His characteristic as “desperate” – he’s a fugitive… the fact that he’s desperate is a given. Use the characteristic to tell us something else about the character – suggest his arc or set up the comedy – he hates physical contact so finding himself with a love-starved crazy lady immediately creates humorous images in the reader’s mind.
Hope this helps.
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