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When all contact is lost with a colony on a distant planet, a space pilot who claims to have discovered a terrifying creature there must join a team of bull-headed marines to investigate.
Re: the logline itself: Since Ripley is the protagonist, the inciting incident could/should be framed around her. The fact they've lost contact with the colony is key, but I think it needs to be from Ripley's perspective. There's some leg-work to do here too unfortunately. As a sequel though, you caRead more
Re: the logline itself:
Since Ripley is the protagonist, the inciting incident could/should be framed around her. The fact they’ve lost contact with the colony is key, but I think it needs to be from Ripley’s perspective. There’s some leg-work to do here too unfortunately. As a sequel though, you can use a bits of the first to help. You’re working with an existing IP – capitalise on that! Use “Ripley” rather than space pilot (but maybe give her a characteristic), tell us that this distant planet is the same one the Xenomorph was found in Alien. It’s a very different beast working with sequels. My biggest question from yours is “why?”. Why MUST the space pilot join them?
I feel like your logline only goes to the midpoint – nothing wrong with this – but the midpoint is the discovery the colony has been completely overrun by Xenomorphs and now the film shifts to be about survival… That’s a big shift and it tells the reader a lot about what sort of film this is. Especially if you can plant the seed that it’s about two “mothers” protecting their “young”.
Food for thought anyway. Hope this helps.
See lessWhen all contact is lost with a colony on a distant planet, a space pilot who claims to have discovered a terrifying creature there must join a team of bull-headed marines to investigate.
This is just Aliens, right? Stick it in examples if it is or you'll get a lot of people saying "this has been done before"! Hahaha!
This is just Aliens, right? Stick it in examples if it is or you’ll get a lot of people saying “this has been done before”! Hahaha!
See lessWhen he experiences an unexpected sensation in his nether regions during a massage from another man, George is forced to confront his own sexuality and insecurities.
The End. Specifically, what happens? Visually, what are we watching on screen. All the action is happening inside the character's head. We don't need to know his name's George. It takes up valuable real estate in a logline. Instead give us something about WHO he is. Check out my blog post on writingRead more
The End.
Specifically, what happens? Visually, what are we watching on screen. All the action is happening inside the character’s head.
We don’t need to know his name’s George. It takes up valuable real estate in a logline. Instead give us something about WHO he is. Check out my blog post on writing characters in a logline for advice: http://lefttowrite.co.uk/loglines-character/
What’s his goal? Oh and making a decision about whether he’s gay or not is not a goal. Again, it happens inside the character’s head. It must be an objective goal. In a comedy, it could be something like ask the guy he now realises he fancies on a date. Or come out to his very conservative family. Either way, it has to be something we can watch.
I feel like the inciting incident needs more work here too. I know what you’re going for, but I think it’s not strong enough motivation yet. I want this to be more like him accidentally kissing his best (male) friend while drunk and the film is him dealing with the consequences. I want a bigger moment!
Food for thought and I hope this helps.
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