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A teenager must confront the father she put in prison before he wreacks havoc on her life and ruins her first chance at love.
You've added detail but it's still rather vague, and doesn't quite make sense -- if her father can use this secret against her, how does it help her to expose it? If the secret is bad for her, shouldn't she keep it? Still not getting across the genre either. Also you had a structure that worked butRead more
You’ve added detail but it’s still rather vague, and doesn’t quite make sense — if her father can use this secret against her, how does it help her to expose it? If the secret is bad for her, shouldn’t she keep it? Still not getting across the genre either.
Also you had a structure that worked but have changed it for one that’s weaker and less compelling. Go back to the previous logline and just use more specific information, make it clear what the story is about.
See lessA teenager must confront the father she put in prison before he wreacks havoc on her life and ruins her first chance at love.
Wreaks. Good overall structure, but lacking clarity. How can he affect her life while he's in prison? What kind of havoc will he bring? How will he ruin her chance at love? What is this actually about? You're not giving us enough information to comprehend the story. You have included the four main eRead more
Wreaks.
Good overall structure, but lacking clarity.
How can he affect her life while he’s in prison? What kind of havoc will he bring? How will he ruin her chance at love? What is this actually about? You’re not giving us enough information to comprehend the story.
You have included the four main elements necessary — protagonist, antagonist, conflict, & stakes — but haven’t made them very clear. These are just vague notions; be specific: what exactly will happen to her if she fails? What is involved in this imperative confrontation? What is it she has to do, and what will she be preventing?
Getting this information across in better detail will also make the genre more obvious, because right now it’s impossible to tell…is it a thriller? Horror? Drama? Comedy? Clue us in to the nature and tone of the story by identifying the main elements involved.
See lessWhen dark and disturbing children’s drawings come alive. Its creator, a little girl distressed and insecure, must face and erase these drawings from her life before they control her forever.
Better length and structure but still isn't clear what actually happens in the story.
Better length and structure but still isn’t clear what actually happens in the story.
See less