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A group of students decide to throw one last party for their graduation aboard a luxury cruise liner, but the event slowly starts to turn into a nightmare when a stow away begins to wreak havoc on board, punishing the students for their past wrong doings.
Definitely feels like you could focus it toward the central conflict more. (Obviously sub-out the elements that are not correct). After discovering a helmsman's corpse aboard their graduation cruise, a group of students (lead by their flawed protagonist) must get the ship to shore before a malevolenRead more
Definitely feels like you could focus it toward the central conflict more. (Obviously sub-out the elements that are not correct).
After discovering a helmsman’s corpse aboard their graduation cruise, a group of students (lead by their flawed protagonist) must get the ship to shore before a malevolent stowaway exacts his bloody revenge for their prior misdeeds.
See lessJulia a high school girl, learns that her younger sister has a bowel syndrome disorder and should undergo surgery as soon as possible. She decides to go to Texas with her two friends. But in their road trip, they get involved in some adventures.
Don?t use the character?s name. It?s a waste of word count, because it doesn?t tell us anything about the character, and unless it?s an existing IP the reader has no prior connection. Instead, use FLAW and FUNCTION (eg. vapid student). This tells us the inner arc of the character as well as who theyRead more
Don?t use the character?s name. It?s a waste of word count, because it doesn?t tell us anything about the character, and unless it?s an existing IP the reader has no prior connection. Instead, use FLAW and FUNCTION (eg. vapid student). This tells us the inner arc of the character as well as who they are in relation to the world they inhabit.
There is no clear causal link between the event (sister has bowel cancer) and goal (road trip to Texas). Why go to Texas? What is the goal, what is at stake, and what is the conflict?
See lessWhile training a new intelligent human specie, a scientist discovers their origin to be alien. He must lead an intelligence team to erase them before they emerge as emperors to human-intelligence.
I'm confused as to what this story is about? 'While training a new intelligent human specie(s)' ... what do you mean, a new intelligent human species? Is this like, mutants or something? Like, the X-Men or the creature from Splice ... the next evolutionary step for humans? And the idea that they'reRead more
I’m confused as to what this story is about?
‘While training a new intelligent human specie(s)’ … what do you mean, a new intelligent human species? Is this like, mutants or something? Like, the X-Men or the creature from Splice … the next evolutionary step for humans? And the idea that they’re being trained makes me think they’re lab-grown. Is that right?
BUT … immediately we learn that they’re aliens. So why are we describing them as an intelligent human specie(s)? (Specificity would save you word count, and make the logline more efficient).
THEN … this ‘”scientist’s” first response to learning that a whole species of humans he has been training (for what?) are in fact aliens, is to “erase” them? (As in, genocide, right? If we’re talking about a whole species?) This turn of events makes your protagonist, thinly painted as he is, hard to empathise with.
ALSO … there’s no indication, at least in the logline, that would suggest nefarious plans from this intelligent human species that would necessitate that they’re erased? (The ACTION section of your logline seems disconnected, or a non sequitur, from the EVENT section of your logline).
ALSO … how many of them are there. You use the word EMPEROR, which seems quite specific. And it makes me wonder how that fits into it? Like, are there only 7 of them, and they’re each planning on taking over a continent and ruling as god-king emperors? Or do you just mean that they might emerge as a dominant species? But also … that’s vague, and potentially not a threat … because in your logline, they’ve not shown themselves to be a threat? (Be clear with both your protagonist and antagonist’s goals, but also justify them in the logline).
Is this a story about a paranoid scientist massacring a race of human-like aliens?
The use of “intelligence” three times in your logline makes me think you didn’t give this a proof-read and a second draft, which makes me think that any potential script you were to write might be similarly approached, and were I the kind of person who might purchase a script from a writer I could be scared off from wanting to see more of your work at that point.
I think dpg nailed it. The premise is not clear or clean enough to make me engage with your logline the ‘right way’ (hooking me into the protagonist’s plight and wondering if he’s going to succeed or fail in his goal). Instead, my brain has to do somersaults to try and understand what is going on.
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