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When a vicious king threatens the peace between the Gifted and Commoners in Athenia, a red headed thief, participates in an illegal ritual where she discovers, she is the last Moonkeeper. To stop the evil in the kingdom, she must take help by an angry warrior, a gold hearted prince and the next king in line with horrific powers, before the world as she knows it, disappears.
It appears as if you have two inciting incidents; 1) A vicious king threatening peace, 2) she discovers she is the last Moonkeeper. So, I believe you have two options - 1) start with - When a vicious king threatens war, the last Moonkeeper must... - or - When a thief discovers she is the last MoonkeRead more
It appears as if you have two inciting incidents; 1) A vicious king threatening peace, 2) she discovers she is the last Moonkeeper. So, I believe you have two options – 1) start with – When a vicious king threatens war, the last Moonkeeper must… – or – When a thief discovers she is the last Moonkeeper, she must stop a war by…
Also, you have a included a physical description (Redhair), which may have some significance in the story, but for us readers of the logline we have no idea what relevance it has so it is redundant. For loglines, it is recommended to stick with character descriptions i.e. hotheaded, adventurous, dutiful
See lessAfter decades of interplanetary warfare, a wealthy inventor leads a team of intrepid adventurers in perfecting a faster-than-light drive to safely scatter humanity among the stars, but greedy corporations and corrupt governments plot to take the technology and steal the future of the human race.
I get the premise, however I'm not clear on what the main action will be for this story. Are the wealthy inventor's top scientists working in a secret lab trying to keep the details of their progress from prying eyes? Are they racing rivals to complete the drive so they can make it affordable for evRead more
I get the premise, however I’m not clear on what the main action will be for this story. Are the wealthy inventor’s top scientists working in a secret lab trying to keep the details of their progress from prying eyes? Are they racing rivals to complete the drive so they can make it affordable for everyone?
See lessAfter witnessing a murder, a young woman with autism teams up with a cop to name the serial killer in order for her to stop being targeted.
Whose story is this, the young autistic woman's or the cop's? Whose PoV will we follow?
Whose story is this, the young autistic woman’s or the cop’s? Whose PoV will we follow?
See less