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After finding out that he has a half brother a young man must find his brother and save him from the local gang.
Good start, needs more detail on the main character - right now all we know is that he is a young man. Also needs more detail on what kind of danger the brother is in, is the danger that he will become a criminal, or is his life in imminent danger? Maybe more details on the gang as well? Bikers, druRead more
Good start, needs more detail on the main character – right now all we know is that he is a young man. Also needs more detail on what kind of danger the brother is in, is the danger that he will become a criminal, or is his life in imminent danger? Maybe more details on the gang as well? Bikers, drug dealers, fascists, slave traders, child abusers? Etc. Basically make the stakes and goal more clear.
In general, try to be more concise in the wording – “Finding out” can be “discovering”, “find his brother and save him” can be “rescue him from”.
See lessSarah Jane tells her story about how she over comes her past relationship and having to move on with life but is also struggling financially and having to look after her family and having to concentrate on her studies.
Right now it's a bit abstract and meta, Is Sarah Jane telling a specific person her story, or is it directly at the audience? Why is the film about her 'telling' the story rather than 'showing' her life? More specific descriptions of hardships would be better. "Move on with life", "struggling financRead more
Right now it’s a bit abstract and meta, Is Sarah Jane telling a specific person her story, or is it directly at the audience? Why is the film about her ‘telling’ the story rather than ‘showing’ her life? More specific descriptions of hardships would be better. “Move on with life”, “struggling financially” “looking after family” “concentrating on studies” – are too general.
Financial struggles – maybe she has gambling debts or had a medical emergency that used up all her money.
See lessLook after family – needs to be more specific, a dependent child? Parent(s)? Sibling?
Studies – what is she studying, and why? Is that her goal?
When his friend vanishes, a sleep deprived police informant must navigate his suburb's criminal underbelly to pick up the trail before he falls asleep.
Judging by the title, 52 hours play and important part to the story? This should probably be made obvious in the logline: for e.g. "a sleep deprived informant has 52 hours to navigate(infiltrate?) his suburb's criminal underbelly before he falls asleep". Leave out "pick up the trail - or make it morRead more
Judging by the title, 52 hours play and important part to the story? This should probably be made obvious in the logline: for e.g. “a sleep deprived informant has 52 hours to navigate(infiltrate?) his suburb’s criminal underbelly before he falls asleep”. Leave out “pick up the trail – or make it more obvious that the informant’s goal is to find the friend.
See less