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Ramona, an introverted high school girl, unknowingly helps a disguised magical spirit, and in return is awakened to the inevitable destructive fate of her world. Ramona must flee her seemingly protected, privileged city and upbringing, to journey through an impoverished but enchanting land to reach the world’s one true saviour, who is to be found on top of a distant mountain.
Dpg's response as always is insightful and makes great points. My initial thoughts had more to do with shaving off a lot of the extra detail to highlight the meat of the story. Ultimately it's a girl who learns of the end of the world and has to go on some journey to stop it. It's interesting that sRead more
Dpg’s response as always is insightful and makes great points.
My initial thoughts had more to do with shaving off a lot of the extra detail to highlight the meat of the story. Ultimately it’s a girl who learns of the end of the world and has to go on some journey to stop it. It’s interesting that she’s privileged and young, and has to go on such a consequential mission and through in an obviously uncomfortable setting. How she came across the information, from a magical spirit, is also fun and tells a lot of the character of the story, so I’d also include that, but I don’t think it’s important to explain in the logline WHY the spirit helps her.
So I think all this can be a bit tighter. I’ll also make a first effort to incorporate dpg’s feedback.
When an privileged high school girl learns from a magical spirit of the world’s impending doom, she must journey to the top of a mountain in an impoverished land to find the one who can tell her how to stop it.
See lessWhen a misogynistic Indian husband loses his IT job, he is forced to work in a team reporting to his wife in her organisation, to pay for mortgage.
My initial thoughts are that you can tighten up the logline more, without losing much if anything: When a misogynistic IT worker loses his job, he is forced to work for his wife to pay the bills. Nothing else seems important.? The only thing is, while there is certainly some implied conflict there,Read more
My initial thoughts are that you can tighten up the logline more, without losing much if anything:
When a misogynistic IT worker loses his job, he is forced to work for his wife to pay the bills.
Nothing else seems important.? The only thing is, while there is certainly some implied conflict there, I think there can be more building tension.? I’d suggest exploring ideas that make it seem like more is at stake for the man… maybe it’s a dream project, and he just needs to behave for a month.? Or maybe it’s more of a competition, where he’s going to sabotage his wife’s efficiency, so they realize he’s better and he maybe even gets his old job back.
See lessBack in time
I think the main problem is that the ghost isn't much of an obstacle yet.? Is the ghost's company even a bad thing?? I see you mention the ghost wanting to come home is the inciting incident that starts a chain of events, but I don't think the "how" is important for the inciting incident... just a pRead more
I think the main problem is that the ghost isn’t much of an obstacle yet.? Is the ghost’s company even a bad thing?? I see you mention the ghost wanting to come home is the inciting incident that starts a chain of events, but I don’t think the “how” is important for the inciting incident… just a plausible “what happens” that’s ultimately the problem.
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