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"After years away, lonely Darren Ashcroft returns to his tiny home village to win back his childhood sweetheart only to be told she never existed."
To me, it seems like the inciting incident should be that he is told that his childhood sweetheart never existed. So what happens after? And what is the main characters goal? What must he do to reach that goal? (maybe he wants to prove them wrong, to prove that she really did exist and to find out wRead more
To me, it seems like the inciting incident should be that he is told that his childhood sweetheart never existed. So what happens after? And what is the main characters goal? What must he do to reach that goal? (maybe he wants to prove them wrong, to prove that she really did exist and to find out where she is and why everyone is lying about her existens?)
Or, if the finding-out-sweeheart-never-existed part is the twist in the end, what is the story about? What happens before he finds out? And what makes him go back after all these years?
I like the concept and I hope this helped you in the development of the story. 🙂
See lessA female bounty hunter who hallucinates slices of the future saves a man?s life in order to collect the bounty on his violent time-travelling future self.
As mentioned before it is confusing where the focus of the story lies. What is the inciting incident? Is it when she saves his life? In that case I would write somthing like: "When a female bounty hunter who can see the future saves a mans life, she must (do something) to collect the bounty of his fRead more
As mentioned before it is confusing where the focus of the story lies.
What is the inciting incident? Is it when she saves his life? In that case I would write somthing like: “When a female bounty hunter who can see the future saves a mans life, she must (do something) to collect the bounty of his future self”.
If the inciting incident is when she finds out about the mans future self and the life-saving part is the main action, I would write something like: “When a female bounty hunter who can see the future finds out that a man who will be worth a fortune in the future is about to get killed, she must save his life in order to collect the future bounty”.
Of course these loglines is not perfect, but I hope they help demonstrating my point 🙂
Another thing: I think it would be a more interesting logline if you gave the main character a flaw that she needs to overcome. And possibly a stake, what will happen if she doesn’t succed?
I really like the concept though! Hope some of my tips were helpful 🙂
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