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When unknowingly a lottery salesman sells a winning ticket, he continues his eternal battle to survive, living in his beach cavern, and crosses the path of an interesting fauna of people ? amongst whom the winner.
This is very confusing to read. Lottery salesmen probably sell lots of winning tickets without knowing, it's part of their job. If he/she already had a winning ticket, but sold it due to being broke or desperate, it ups the stakes and makes the story more interesting. The word "fauna" is misused, heRead more
This is very confusing to read.
Lottery salesmen probably sell lots of winning tickets without knowing, it’s part of their job. If he/she already had a winning ticket, but sold it due to being broke or desperate, it ups the stakes and makes the story more interesting.
The word “fauna” is misused, here it just comes off as trying to too hard. Also, what is a beach cavern? Makes it sound like he lives in a cave.
See lessWhen Western men suspiciously die in an peaceful Asian country the US counts as a key ally, an inexperienced American Embassy security official ruffles diplomatic feathers by claiming the country’s first serial killer has emerged and is probably an American.
This feels like two loglines smashed together. Why call the Western men when you probably mean American? What country are you referring to in regards to the serial killer? Overall, the logline is way too long and confusing.
This feels like two loglines smashed together. Why call the Western men when you probably mean American?
What country are you referring to in regards to the serial killer? Overall, the logline is way too long and confusing.
See lessDesperate to save his famous family farm, a proud cowboy tries to win $50,000 at the state rodeo, only to find out that his biggest rival is the college-indebted woman who stole his heart. (My idea with this logline is that the cowboy has a problem to lose against a woman in the first place. But he actually loves her. This tension drives the characters and the story forward.)
Why does it matter if his love interest is "college-indebted?" The protag is the cowboy, the logline only needs to focus on him, and why is his family farm in trouble if his family is famous? Calling him a proud cowboy comes off as redundant, as cowboys inherently give off a vibe of pride/machismo.
Why does it matter if his love interest is “college-indebted?”
The protag is the cowboy, the logline only needs to focus on him, and why is his family farm in trouble if his family is famous?
Calling him a proud cowboy comes off as redundant, as cowboys inherently give off a vibe of pride/machismo.
See less