1. Posted: March 13, 2020In:

    ‘Off The Grid’ After moving off the grid, bickering newlyweds accidentally kill the creepy neighbors kid and now must work together to escape the families vengeful wrath.

    thedarkhorse Samurai

    Hi Dusty.A very quick take on it...When newlyweds accidentally kill the creepy neighbours son, they must fight to stay alive, as the family begins a campaign of revenge.I wasn't sure how necessary "bickering" and "must work together" is to the logline. Perhaps for the script. I mean - all newlywedsRead more

    Hi Dusty.

    A very quick take on it…

    When newlyweds accidentally kill the creepy neighbours son, they must fight to stay alive, as the family begins a campaign of revenge.

    I wasn’t sure how necessary “bickering” and “must work together” is to the logline. Perhaps for the script. I mean – all newlyweds bicker, it’s not a big enough thing to put in there. “must work together” goes without saying. It seems like excess stuff for the reader to carry.

    I dunno – I thought “son” was more primal and personal and specific than “kid”.

    I considered putting? “relentless” in front of campaign. Sounds pretty intense as it is.

    Admittedly – there’s something wrong with this logline. I can’t put my finger on it. You could perhaps get rid of “creepy”?

    The fact this family is getting revenge says more about than an adjective could.

    Perhaps get rid of “begins”? and just do “campaigns to get revenge”.

    ?

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  2. Posted: March 12, 2020In:

    RHSC (red-headed step child)

    thedarkhorse Samurai

    Hi Dusty, I gave this a go and added some stuff. (My interpretation from reading the original logline.) After they accidentally kill a neighbour in a fatal car crash, a newlywed couple fight to stay alive, as the man's creepy kids begin a campaign of revenge. I made the fatal accident more specific.Read more

    Hi Dusty,

    I gave this a go and added some stuff. (My interpretation from reading the original logline.)

    After they accidentally kill a neighbour in a fatal car crash, a newlywed couple fight to stay alive, as the man’s creepy kids begin a campaign of revenge.

    I made the fatal accident more specific.

    Most newlyweds are young – so I’m hoping the reader will fill that in.

    Admittedly, my logline reminds me of https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1020530/

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  3. Posted: February 25, 2020In:

    When dark and disturbing children’s drawings come alive. Its creator, a little girl distressed and insecure, must face and erase these drawings from her life before they control her forever.

    thedarkhorse Samurai

    Hi alejob. I thought I'd give this a go. I'm not sure about the ellipses. (Probably breaks some logline rule or something.) When her drawings come alive, a little girl discovers she has no control over them, and must erase them before they become increasingly darker, more disturbing... and powerful.Read more

    Hi alejob.

    I thought I’d give this a go. I’m not sure about the ellipses. (Probably breaks some logline rule or something.)

    When her drawings come alive, a little girl discovers she has no control over them, and must erase them before they become increasingly darker, more disturbing… and powerful.

    Hopefully reader fills in they were dark/disturbing to begin with.

    “Powerful” suggests the best is yet to come.

     

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