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2112: the government is about to destroy a city?s ability for deep emotion, an outcast telepath must trade in her beloved, to rescue someone murdered in the past to start an uprising.
First of all, this needs help grammatically. Second, the phrase "must trade in her beloved" is too... simple? Like... she's either going to or not. And we assume she will. You're supposed to mention the GOAL of the main character, but in a way that's more about the struggle than just simple math, ifRead more
First of all, this needs help grammatically. Second, the phrase “must trade in her beloved” is too… simple? Like… she’s either going to or not. And we assume she will. You’re supposed to mention the GOAL of the main character, but in a way that’s more about the struggle than just simple math, if that makes sense. I’m guessing that’s a specific PART of her goal to “start an uprising”, just like “rescue someone murdered” (which doesn’t make sense, because you can resurrect someone who’s already murdered, but if they’re already murdered, you hardly succeeded in rescuing them). I think you could drop both specific phrases and just mention the true overall goal of “start an uprising” and see if that cleans it up.
See lessAfter a chance meeting with his high school sweetheart reminds him he?s not who he aspired to be, a responsible 29-year-old risks his healthy relationship and stable career to live the life he dreamt of.
For the new one: I dig it more, but it still feels a little conflict-free. My first thought was "why doesn't he just explain to his girlfriend that he'd like to be more adventurous or whatever, and give her a chance to do it WITH him, if it's such a healthy relationship?" My second thought was "whatRead more
For the new one: I dig it more, but it still feels a little conflict-free. My first thought was “why doesn’t he just explain to his girlfriend that he’d like to be more adventurous or whatever, and give her a chance to do it WITH him, if it’s such a healthy relationship?” My second thought was “what kind of life did he dream of that would end his current healthy relationship? Does he want to be a crime boss? Is she a huge dullard who hates fun?” It seems like the kind of story that would evaporate if anyone simply communicated.
See lessWhen a YouTube video ridiculing his attempt to feed off a millennial makes him a laughing stock, an ageing vampire rallies his fellow ageing monsters to remember their roots and terrify the community until mankind dare not venture out after dark.
This does sound funny, but I'm curious, why specify "virgin"? Don't vampires feed on everyone?
This does sound funny, but I’m curious, why specify “virgin”? Don’t vampires feed on everyone?
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