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Faced with bankruptcy, a down-on-luck man goes through a spine-chilling experience to get money to pay for his son’s emergency operation.
What's the spine chilling experience that the father must go through? Rob a bank? Participate in a reality show where he's hunted by rich people for sport? Win an underground street fighting competition where he'll have to fight other men to the death? If the description of the plot is vague and absRead more
What’s the spine chilling experience that the father must go through? Rob a bank? Participate in a reality show where he’s hunted by rich people for sport? Win an underground street fighting competition where he’ll have to fight other men to the death? If the description of the plot is vague and abstract, then it will not stick with the audience.
See lessWhen a young woman returns to her family for the burial of her brother, her doubtful past will envenom the reunion and reveal her true intentions.
Give the character a better adjective. Young is value neutral and doesn't tell us much about the character. If she's going to be revealed as some sort of sinister or vengeful person, then using adjectives like naive or idealistic would set up the twist better. Also use an appropriate adjective to chRead more
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- The logline is too mysterious. You should tell us what the girl’s doubtful past and her true intentions are so we know what the exact goal and conflict for the man character is.
See lessYour logline reminds me of Festen. There, the logline would be:
A young man attending his father’s 60th birthday along with the rest of his family reveals that he was sexually assaulted by the father for years. Now he must get the father to acknowledge his crime in front of the extended family who have congregated for the celebration.
Maybe this could be a model for your logline. Character reveal at the end of the first act, and then set up a concrete goal for her.?
A forsaken young man struggles to overcome the anguish of childhood abduction, abuse, and a changed identity to become a college basketball All-American.
The character needs to be more specific. What?s the exact backstory here? Did he get abducted from his real family and is being raised by his abusers who forcibly changed his religion? If so, then you should open with that instead of putting it in the middle where the plot should be. And what?s theRead more
The character needs to be more specific. What?s the exact backstory here? Did he get abducted from his real family and is being raised by his abusers who forcibly changed his religion? If so, then you should open with that instead of putting it in the middle where the plot should be.
And what?s the character?s weakness? Is he a choker who loses his nerves during a game or does he have rage issues because of which he can?t play in a team? Or is he bad at handling failure because it reminds him of how worthless he is and somehow deserves the abuse that he has always received? Is there a religious angle that conflicts with his basketball player identity? Specificity of weakness should help you come up with an appropriate action that he needs to perform in order to get selected by a scout or whatever the ultimate goal is.
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