1. Posted: February 17, 2018In:

    A young, pregnant Maltese woman struggles to survive the siege of Malta and Nazi invasion alone, after her submariner husband leaves during WWII. OR When newlyweds Jaynie and Reggie are separated during the siege of Malta WW2, an impulsive, pregnant Jaynie must survive and save her family without him.

    wendyj Logliner

    I would combine the two:During WWII,?after?her submariner husband is called to battle, Jaynie struggles to survive the siege of Malta and Nazi invasion. Young, pregnant, and a newlywed, she must save her family on her own.. More details are need though."Struggles to survive" is too vague. While theRead more

    I would combine the two:

    During WWII,?after?her submariner husband is called to battle, Jaynie struggles to survive the siege of Malta and Nazi invasion. Young, pregnant, and a newlywed, she must save her family on her own..

    More details are need though.

    “Struggles to survive” is too vague. While the invasion is a conflict within itself, you need something more specific. Does she have to hide? Does she have to flirt with Nazi soldiers? Does she have to steal food to keep from starving? What’s the struggle?

    Also, what “family” are you referring to? Her unborn child? Her parents and siblings? If her husband is gone she doesn’t have to save him. Again, be specific with the details and how she “must save” whomever the “family” is.

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  2. Posted: February 16, 2018In:

    A young ex basketball player finds himself falling in love with his best friend, but being feared to hurt her due to his post-traumatic stress disorder, he must learn to cope in order to move forward with her before he lose her for good.

    Best Answer
    wendyj Logliner

    I think this logline needs to include why the main character has PTSD.As an example:Two years after witnessing the murder of his mother, a young man falls in love with his best friend.?Diagnosed?with PTSD, he must find a way to live with the past and not let love pass him by.I don't think "ex-basketRead more

    I think this logline needs to include why the main character has PTSD.

    As an example:

    Two years after witnessing the murder of his mother, a young man falls in love with his best friend.?Diagnosed?with PTSD, he must find a way to live with the past and not let love pass him by.

    I don’t think “ex-basketball player” is necessary to include unless, besides the love aspect, his second goal is to start playing basketball again.

    It’s the PTSD experience that gives him an identity not the fact he used to play basketball. (As in, he’s “the guy who experienced…whatever trauma” not “the guy who once played basketball”.)

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  3. Posted: February 16, 2018In:

    After a selfish, irresponsible, 18 year old’s father is framed and she is given his hyper- intelligent OCD son (11) to look after, she must fool Social Services into believing she is responsible enough to care for the boy, or outwit a crime syndicate into negotiating her father?s release before the boy is removed from her care.

    wendyj Logliner

    So many thoughts come to mind.Is it really a good idea to make the protagonist that unlikable right in the first sentence?The father is "framed"? You might want to elaborate on that with something like "framed for a (whatever crime) and now is in jail." Or "framed and being held by a crime syndicateRead more

    So many thoughts come to mind.

    Is it really a good idea to make the protagonist that unlikable right in the first sentence?

    The father is “framed”? You might want to elaborate on that with something like “framed for a (whatever crime) and now is in jail.” Or “framed and being held by a crime syndicate”.

    The fooling social services part doesn’t quite work for me.? I don’t think anyone would think any 18 year-old was responsible enough to become a guardian of a child overnight.? If the character was older–even 21–it was seem more plausible.

    She has to negotiate with a crime syndicate? Are they the ones who have the father or do they have?the ability to get her father out of jail?

    If you changed nothing, here’s a rough rewrite:

    After her father is framed for (whatever crime), a self-centered teenager is left to take care of her 11 year-old gifted, OCD brother. She must either fool social services into believing she is responsible enough to take care of him or outwit a crime syndicate and get her father released before her brother is put into a foster home.

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