Wife Carrying
Revision: An unhappy couple enters the Wife Carrying Contest, per the request of a young rookie psychologist, in hopes that it will revitalize their marriage.
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‘young’ and ‘rookie’ are redundant (for a logline, yeah I know an old dude could be a rookie psych but that’s not the usual assumptive leap). I have no idea what a “Wife Carrying Contest” so it has little impact in the logline. When I re-phrase the logline this is what I get.
When a rookie psychologist enters a young couple in a contest to revitalize their marriage…
It’s incomplete… and I’ve used half of the 30 word max count.
Okay, I found out (from your previous post) what a wife carrying contest is. So now you need to figure out how to work the conflict into the logline. The wife is in it for the beer and the husband feels he’s carrying all the marital load. I just think you need something in the logline to pull off the connection to the contest. Keeping it short is going to be tough.
And I’d go ahead and change the title to: The Wife Carrying Contest. Then you don’t have to use it in your logline.
I’ve been looking at this over and over since the original was put up and I’d go for something like this.
“At the request of their naive psychologist, an unhappy couple enters a Wife Carrying Contest, hoping it will revive their marriage.”
The meat is still there, but the excess fat is trimmed off.
I like the last version, but does it convey what the movie is about. It’s still missing something for me. Sorry, I can’t put my finger on it.
I think Lucius’ line sums the story up quickly and without having too much going on. People won’t know what a wife carrying contest is (despite it being obvious) so you need to get across what it means without eating up your word count. It will be a tough one to get right as you have something unusual but as long as you make it intriguing you should be ok. Also if it is a comedy try and make that obvious in the log line as now it doesn’t seem as comedic as before. The title also needs looking at as it isn’t really that intriguing. ‘Carrying the load’ or ‘The Wife Carrying Contest’ would be better.
Hope this helps
Lucius’ nicely sums up the story but the premise is kinda… boring. That’s not to say that your script is boring but the loglines thus far haven’t captured what’s intriguing about your story. The wife carrying angle is interesting but it’s not enough to carry the entire script, IMO.
If you use The Wife Carrying Contest as your title, you won’t need to refer to the contest name in your logline.
If your protag is the couple, the psychologist has no place in your logline, unless he/she is the antag?
By the way, who is your antag? Who is going to spur your protag into action?
How about:
When his already shaky marriage is threatened by a charming psychologist, a desperate husband enters his wife and himself into a local contest as a last-ditch effort to save their relationship.
Thank you guys for all of your comments and everyone is exactly right. I changed it once more to add the comedy aspect and to show the antagonist of the story. With the new logline, I’m hoping it will explain more of why I named the title, Wife Carrying.
Logline
“With Phillip feeling like Barbra has let herself go, he gets another heavy load on his back, literally, when he finds out that she has entered them into the Wife Carrying Contest in hopes that it will revitalize their marriage. ”
You guy’s comments have been very helpful and I would love more feedback.