Miniature
On the verge of being alone for the rest of his life, a lazy man falls in love with a miniature woman who lives in the small model city that he finds in the spare bedroom of his new apartment, but when he can't figure out a way to shrink himself to her size he must push himself to his limits to find a way in, before he loses the girl of his dreams.
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First, love the premise
Second, all the elements are there (Assuming that his laziness is what is standing in his way)
Third, this is way too long
I would probably start with,
“When a lonely man falls in love with a miniature woman who he discovers living in a model city in his spare room, He must push past his own procrastination if he is to discover a way for them to be together”
However even that is rough because there should really be something more standing in their way or a deadline of some sort.
I hope this gives you ideas, for the most part you just have to find a way to condense the logline without taking out what makes the story unique.
I agree about the start by Richiev: “” That just POPS.
I had a lot written, but here’s the key thoughts from me, try this:
“A lonely man falls in love with a miniature woman he discovers living in a model city in his spare room- unable to shrink himself and running out of time- he finds himself searching desperately for a way into the city, and her heart.
This would be a fun read! Hope I helped, even a little!
Best of luck!
Amazing concept. Would definitely watch.
I also agree with Richiev on his points, so don’t need to repeat.
Thanks everyone for the comments! Glad you find it interesting! I agree, Richiev, I need to find a deadline. throwitfar – I like the logline you suggested, it helped a lot. I’ve got some more work to do to tighten it up, and your suggestions help a lot.