FABRICATION
After witnessing her boyfriends set up in a drug heist gone wrong a naive gangland girlfriend must unravel the truth behind what went down if she's going to get either of them out alive.
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Saying both,”Heist gone wrong” and “set up” in the logline seem repetitive,
I would stick with one or the other in order to cut down he word count.
How about this:
“After her boyfriend’s heist goes wrong, a naive gangland girl must unravel the truth behind what went down if either are to get out alive.”
Hope that helped, good luck with this!
thanks Richiev – Getting the word count down and keeping the sense – major bonus!
It is slightly repetitive, I think what Richiev has done with it is trimmed out all the unnecessary chunks and tightened it up considerably.
I would use their suggestion and put your own stamp on it somehow.
The logline seems a bit confusing. “After witnessing her boyfriends set up in a drug heist gone wrong…” So this girl has multiple boyfriends? Or is it her boyfriend’s set up in the drug heist (like the boyfriend is actually an undercover police officer? Might want to try and rephrase this. Keep working on it 🙂
Lol, One missing apostrophe can blow up and entire sentence.
(I just figured it was a typo but now that you mention it, your right, the girl has two boyfriends)
If she witnessed it, what’s to unravel? Sounds like she’d know exactly what happened. Get them out of where? Prison? Are they not criminals? If so, they probably belong there; if not, what were they doing involved in a drug heist?
A gang member actively working to get multiple criminal boyfriends free of whatever punishment they’re enduring sounds like a bit of a stretch in regards to creating a sympathetic protagonist?especially if she’s naive; how would she have survived to this point? Not only is the logline unclear, but the strength of the entire story is in question.
If she witnessed it, what’s to unravel? Sounds like she’d know exactly what happened. Get them out of where? Prison? Are they not criminals? If so, they probably belong there; if not, what were they doing involved in a drug heist?
A gang member actively working to get multiple criminal boyfriends free of whatever punishment they’re enduring sounds like a bit of a stretch in regards to creating a sympathetic protagonist?especially if she’s naive; how would she have survived to this point? Not only is the logline unclear, but the strength of the entire story is in question.