This is the SECOND VERSION. Please look up the other one I just posted. Which one do you like better? Which one gives you a clearer picture? What could be improved?
Thank you!!
eliasbaarPenpusher
In a male-dominated town, a frustrated editor attends to self-help groups for men, not to seek help but to prepare himself against them.
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This logline isn’t very specific or personal.
To improve the logline you should show how the death of the gay dancer (From the previous logline) personally affects the lead character.
Also, you should put a face to the bad guy.
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“When his best friend, a gay dancer, is killed by the town bully and his pack, a frustrated editor attends a men’s retreat in order to get close to those responsible and get his revenge.”
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Overall, I think this is a solid premise. Perhaps the ‘self-help group for men,’ could be one of those, rediscover your manhood conferences, where the men all camp in the woods for a week in order to get back to the ‘Caveman within’.
The lead character would then knock the bad guys off one by one.
Or if this is a non-violent movie, He finds his ‘caveman within’ only to (Discover ‘this’ about himself)
Thank you! He doesn’t know the gay dancer personally but he finds a sublime beauty in him and a resemblance to himself, so he takes it personally… Do you have an idea how to put that into the logline? 😀
I’ll take a shot, however, this is a bit long in the word count.
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“When a news editor, who is afraid to come out of the closet becomes heartbroken over a murdered LGBT dancer, he begins to attend a ‘find your inner caveman’ conference to try to figure out the mentality of those who committed the heinous act.”
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I wrote this from the perspective that the lead does not know who the actual killer is. If that is not the case then he would attend the conference in order to get close to the killer (Or group of killers)
On a completely different side note:
This premise could easily be turned into a horror movie.
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Location: A men’s retreat out in the woods.
What the audience does not know: Pryor to the men’s retreat, several of the members harassed a gay dancer, it got out of control and dancer died.
Where it begins: We are introduced to several characters, including the leader of the bullying incident, as they come to the retreat, Several of them seem to have a secret but the audience is not told what.
The Action: Accidents begin to happen to the men at the retreat. A member steps on a bear trap. A member slips and falls of a cliff. The authorities are called out to investigate but think it was just that…accidents.
The action ramped up: Now members are being killed one by one, and little clues are left behind that point to the death of the gay dancer. The audience discovers in flashbacks what happened in the bullying incident, The men start to believe the ghost of the gay dancer is attacking them. (This is to misslead the audience)
Conclusion: The remaining member, including the ringleader of the bullying incident call the police then lock themselves in the basement of the retreat. They say as long as they stick together they can survive until help arrives.
This is when we discover that one of the members in the basement was the gay dancer’s best friend. They have locked themselves in the basement with the killer.
Holding them at gunpoint the Killer (Town editor) explains why he is doing it. They killed his best friend. He shoots, then there is a struggle between him and the main culprit of the bullying incident. The ‘killer’ (The one seeking revenge) is defeated by the ‘bully’, who now seems to have gotten away with the death of the gay dancer.
After giving his statement to the police the ‘bully’ goes home, there is a knock on the door.
It’s the police, he tells them he has already made his statement. However, that is not why they are there. Prior to the editor seeking revenge; Just in case he failed, he sent surveillance photos of the bullying incident to the police. Now the ‘Bully’ is taken away to jail charged with murder.
The End