Penpusher
Posted: 2022-06-24T14:05:25+10:00 In:

When the disappearance of his wife falls in the hands of androids, a flawed father must seek answers to the reasoning behind his loss while mistakenly neglecting his daughter in the process

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    3 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      You might want to reconsider the first line. (up to the coma)

      I am not quite sure what you mean by, “When the disappearance of his wife falls in the hands of androids…”

      The way the line is written makes its meaning unclear. Here is just a guess:
      —–
      “When his wife is killed by androids, a flawed father seeks answers to the loss, while mistakenly neglecting his daughter.”
      —–
      Anyway, a little re-write with some clarity will help the logline get across what is clearly an interesting story concept.

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    2. Penpusher

      Logline is a little longwinded and not quite worded the best. Instead, maybe try:

      When his wife is kidnapped by androids, a flawed father must seek answers all while neglecting his daughter in the process.

      You go from 32 words to 21, and now with some extra space, you could inject some adjectives to other characters like the androids or the daughter to spice up the logline.

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