Mark Scoles

Penpusher · 150 points

150 points to Logliner

1 logline
6 reviews

2

When their quiet friend kills himself at kick-ons to prove he’s a sick cunt, some aussie larrikins must bring him back to life

June 24, 2022

on When an ambitious archeologist finds an ancient crystal engraved with a hidden message, he funds a secret sea creature who unlocks the message so his brain remembers the secrets of the Atlantis civilisation in the crystal, allowing him to release the Talisman Knights; the so called purveyors of ancient antiques; to release their grip on him. ★ Accepted

Opening moment is strong, but mostly makes me want to watch Indiana Jones. Try and add a wrinkle to your opening that makes this feel more distinct. Seconding Jeremy's he must comment, will give some drive to the second half…
on When two friends wake up to a sunless morning, they learn their roommate hasn’t come home from last night. After a failure to contact him or anyone else, they venture outside in an attempt to understand this anomaly.

Such a cool premise, but with so much going on it makes this quite a hefty logline. When two confused friends wake up to a sunless morning, they must venture outside to find their roommate who never came home and…
on When a random YouTube sermon triggered guilty conscience in her, a primary school teacher must search for her elderly couple victims to confess her actions.

Logline is a touch long-winded and I think there are some missed opportunities. I feel like a random youtube sermon doesn't quite have the intrigue of just a regular sermon in a church (assuming it's religious). It's more visually stimulating…
on After having broken up with her partner, a woman overhears a young couple that is falling apart and attempts to save their relationship.

Feel like you could really streamline this logline through better structure and just tightening up certain sentences a little bit. When a heartbroken woman overhears a young couple's bitter argument, she must attempt to reconcile their relationship. 17 words as…
on When the disappearance of his wife falls in the hands of androids, a flawed father must seek answers to the reasoning behind his loss while mistakenly neglecting his daughter in the process

Can't find a way to edit my comment but actually, an even better logline would be: When androids kidnap his wife, a flawed father must seek answers all while mistakenly neglecting his daughter. Now down to 17 words, which again…
on When the disappearance of his wife falls in the hands of androids, a flawed father must seek answers to the reasoning behind his loss while mistakenly neglecting his daughter in the process

Logline is a little longwinded and not quite worded the best. Instead, maybe try: When his wife is kidnapped by androids, a flawed father must seek answers all while neglecting his daughter in the process. You go from 32 words…

Penpusher

When their quiet friend kills himself at kick-ons to prove he’s a sick cunt, some aussie larrikins must bring him back to life