Best reviews

469

  1. dogger · Singularity · 87,055 pts on After witnessing a deadly incident engineered by a powerful marshal, Raymond—an ex‑soldier—goes on the run to clear his name and expose the conspiracy, using his combat skills to fight back before the plot destabilizes the Expo-Event ★ Best

    So... what's the plot? That he's a threat is a static statement. Loglines should be *dynamic* statements. PROtagonists need to be PROactive. I pose a threat to a dandelion I see in my yard. What's my course of action? What specifically am I going to…

  2. dogger · Singularity · 87,055 pts on A socially deprived, true crime obsessed man becomes infatuated with a Jane Doe case, and documents his pathetic attempt at inserting himself in her story by solving the case. ★ Best

    Would you please clarify "socially deprived". Is he a socially awkward introvert/recluse? Or is he deprived because he lives in an isolated location. Or,,,? And does he do more than just film his personal investigation? Does he post it online, at a social networking site…

  3. Karel Segers · Mentor · 2,810 pts on Logline: After killing each other in a muddy ravine on Guadalcanal, a Japanese soldier and an American Marine awaken as unwillingly tethered ghosts and spend decades protecting the grandson born from their families’ impossible union—bickering across wars, cultures, and generations as they search for redemption and peace. Genre: Primary: Historical Fantasy Drama Secondary: War Drama / Supernatural Family Saga ★ Best

    This is a fresh and highly dramatic premise. Excellent! The two protagonists makes it complex, but not impossible. The structure works: two protagonists, a catalyst, an action, a conflict, a theme. But "unwillingly tethered" is a little clunky as an adverb-plus-adjective pair; "tethered against their…

  4. Karel Segers · Mentor · 2,810 pts on When the Sheriff of Sweetwater, Mars stumbles on a plan to destroy the town to make room for an illegal worm farm, he and his friends have to defend the town from destruction by a megalomaniac Soybean Magnate. ★ Best

    The structure works: we know who, what's at stake, who's against him, and what he has to do. Where it gets clunky: "destroy" and "destruction" come back three times in close range, and "destruction by a megalomaniac Soybean Magnate" is a passive construction; flipping it…

  5. Mark Scoles · Penpusher · 150 pts on When an ambitious archeologist finds an ancient crystal engraved with a hidden message, he funds a secret sea creature who unlocks the message so his brain remembers the secrets of the Atlantis civilisation in the crystal, allowing him to release the Talisman Knights; the so called purveyors of ancient antiques; to release their grip on him. ★ Best

    Opening moment is strong, but mostly makes me want to watch Indiana Jones. Try and add a wrinkle to your opening that makes this feel more distinct. Seconding Jeremy's he must comment, will give some drive to the second half of this story. I think…

  6. dogger · Singularity · 87,055 pts on A “guinea pig” A US Infantry division, formed immediately after Pearl Harbor and populated with middle-aged draftees, becomes the most respected, effective and feared unit in the Pacific Theater, earning the nickname “The Old Bastards”. ★ Best

    Re: becomes the most respected, effective and feared unit in the Pacific Theater... As currently written, the logline gives away the ending, something a logline is not supposed to do. A logline should set up the dramatic problem, but not tip its hand about the…

  7. Nick12 · Logliner · 510 pts on A frustrated architect works on soulless industrial projects, with the dream of building his ideal building. ★ Best

    Hi, Rick! You’ve got a character flaw and some internal motivation which is great. But now you need an external conflict or opposition.

  8. dwon · Penpusher · 155 pts on A selfish drunkard is forced to run a startup and fight powerful government agencies after he inherits it from his righteous entrepreneur best friend who died mysteriously. ★ Best

    When his tech genius best friend dies mysteriously, a Luddite wastrel must complete his invention while fighting off a brigade of spooks intent on capturing it.

  9. savinh0 · Samurai · 2,300 pts on When a white supremacist cop is confronted by billboards calling out his chief’s neglect of a rape and murder case, he must silence the victim’s bitter mother and return peace to the town. ★ Best

    Good version, Karel! I was just wondering if the logline wasn't told from the perspective of the mother (Frances McDormand)? I thought she was the protagonist.  

  10. Mike Pedley · Overlord · 13,410 pts on A demonically supercharged serial killer dupes his way into a single mother’s life which rouses a talented FBI agent from retirement and awakens Poseidon. ★ Best

    What's Poseidon got to do with it? How is a completely normal FBI agent with no superpowers supposed to stand his own against a superpowered serial killer? How does him duping his way into a single mother's life get any attention from the FBI? If…