by greymaccioni · Penpusher · 21 pts
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Categories: Drama, SciFi, Short Film
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A couple arguing could imply that they're unhappy, rather than stating it twice. The first half is from the couples POV and the second half is from the man's POV. Consider picking one POV to make it read more consistently. Generally 1 POV is ideal for a logline. Great twist! Consider looking at how to structure a longer logline with a mid point reversal (in the formula section of the website) in order to make it read more cleanly and potentially explore his action after he discovers the doppelganger is stealing his relationship :)
Strengths Well-defined POV Filmable incident Stakes and urgency Specificity
Needs work Clear, difficult goal Action, not decision Concision
Here's my sense of the plot:
"A man orders the service of a doppelganger to resolve a fight with his wife, but the wife falls in love with the doppelganger. Now he must become a better man than the doppelganger to win her back." (38 words)
The premise and plot twist are interesting--but what does he DO about the unexpected turn of events? What becomes his objective goal when he discovers the doppelganger has stolen his wife's affections? (He is going to discover that, right?)
Another plot twist occurs to me: she hires a doppelganger to advocate on her behalf, only to have him fall in love with her doppelganger.
I'm not saying my twist is better. My point is that it is a good sign for a plot premise when it kindles the imagination, gets readers thinking about possibilities, variations. You've definitely got an interesting plot premise. How you play it out is a movie I would like to see.
