Categories: Drama
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Strengths Action, not decision Concision
Needs work Clear, difficult goal Filmable incident Stakes and urgency Specificity Causality and coherence
The logline is concise, but it would benefit from more specificity. Like a defining characteristic for the immigrant father and son that distinguishes them from all the other stories about immigrant parents dealing with alienated children.
And a concrete, objective goal. In the context of making a movie, "concrete" and "objective" means a goal that is visible. It is an action, destination or object that can be filmed. What does "seek redemption" look like? What's the visible moment, the scene that tells the audience the protagonist has succeeded?
The logline would also benefit from clearly defined (and visible) risks and stakes. Risks: what danger, what jeopardy must the father incur in his struggle? Stakes: what is lost if he fails to reconcile with his son?
Trying to keep his house and career intact is vague. It seems to be a complication, but it is unclear how the complication exacerbates his relationship with his son, prevents a reconciliation. Does the father face losing his job, foreclosing on the house, deportation? Is there a ticking clock in that complication, a deadline after which all will be lost?
This was incredible, thank you so much!
I just came up with a new one. I’m not sure if this is the one but, I think it’s an improvement from the last logline.
A Haitian immigrant father seeks to repair the relationship with his estranged American born son when he returns to his house after 5 years. In doing so, he wrestles with the turmoil of their past while trying uphold a deteriorating house and an assigned task that could alter his entire life.
Now you're presenting a character that is more specific and a situation that is potentially more dramatic -- and topical.
But I need some clarifications:
I infer from the phrase "his estranged American born son" means that he isn't. That he entered illegally, has been deported by the policies of the current administration. Is that his dramatic predicament?
And does "...returns to his house after 5 years." refer to him returning to Haiti? And if so, with his son? And where does the mother fit into this situation?
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