Reviews

37,631

  1. dogger · Oracle · 87,260 pts on When his liquor licence is stripped due to unpaid bills, a neurotic publican must win the local fishing competition’s cash prize, but when he realises he is competing against his abusive father, he must control his manic behaviour to out-fish him and save the pub he calls home.

    The logline has a potentially interesting comic premise, but I think could benefit from trimming. The core of the plot seems to be something like: "A neurotic, cash-strapped publican must win a fishing competition cash prize to keep his pub." (15 words) It's a situation…

  2. Neer Shelter · Legend · 40,115 pts on When James finds himself infatuated with his coworker Cindy, he is torn by the sinister advice of the sentient food in his fridge and the feelings of love felt in his timid heart.

    The logline describes a scene and a decision, but not a story. A character falling for someone is a scene, possibly a sequence, but no more. And having to decide what to do is a decision, not an action. We want to know what James…

  3. Neer Shelter · Legend · 40,115 pts on When his liquor licence is stripped due to unpaid bills, a neurotic publican must win the local fishing competition’s cash prize, but when he realises he is competing against his abusive father, he must control his manic behaviour to out-fish him and save the pub he calls home. ★ Best

    The logline depicts a small English town vibe dotted with eccentric characters, the likes of which one would expect in The Full Monty. So, it's definitely achieving its objective on the tone front. On the plot side, the logline describes a main story to save…

  4. griffynbachta · Initiate · 171 pts on After dead bodies start piling up, a family lawyer enlists the help of wrongfully accused street hustler to tail the killer, but what happens if the killer is hiding in plain sight.

    I think it needs more clarity around the killer. They're tailing the killer which makes it sound like they know who it is and they're gathering evidence, but that then makes hiding in plain sight redundant. Or the hustlers is tailing suspects to find the…

  5. fbassuk · Initiate · 90 pts on A veteran officer with an unblemished past struggles to choose-reveal the truth about the murder of a rookie female officer and destroy his illustrious career, or silence an old, disgruntled cop who is closing in on his darkest secret.

    Seems like a great premise. I've shortened it, guessing that the murder of the female rookie officer was done by him. A veteran officer with an illustrious career must choose between revealing the truth about a murder he committed and silencing a cop closing in…

  6. fbassuk · Initiate · 90 pts on Years after the mysterious disappearance of his childhood friend Alice, aspiring writer Charles Dodgson embarks on a perilous journey to rescue her from a psychopathic kingpin, dismantling a criminal empire that could challenge Queen Victoria herself – all while uncovering the inspiration for one of the 19th century’s greatest literary works.

    This is an intriguing premise and I hope you write the script. Here's a shortened version: On a perilous journey to rescue his childhood friend, an aspiring writer dismantles a criminal empire involving Queen Victoria herself, and writes one of the 19th century’s greatest literary…

  7. dogger · Oracle · 87,260 pts on When a young archivist graduates and comes home to a family remade by her sister’s undiagnosed illness, two stray cats follow her off the train and start pulling her into her neighbors’ buried griefs, waking a gift in her body that turns water into stories.

    Re: >>>conflict comes from change, from nature That can work. In man (or woman) confronting nature or environments stories, the forces of nature or vagaries of the environment are the (impersonal) antagonist. Three examples: The Martian (2015); All is Lost (2013); Cast Away (2000). However,…

  8. Logline Medic · Initiate · 60 pts on An educated Indian homemaker in Sydney enters a local council election, hoping to reclaim the identity her ambitious daughter no longer sees, while the daughter fights for a director promotion; as both women struggle to be taken seriously, their parallel journeys slowly transform how they see each other.

    Dual protagonist stories are often more powerful than those with just one. But selling them in a logline is hard. You now have two clear protagonists, two goals, but no inciting event. What kicks off the story? There is no need to state explicitly that…

  9. Logline Medic · Initiate · 60 pts on When the sole survivor of a destroyed lifeboat is pulled aboard a sinking luxury liner, he is plunged into further chaos as the crew begins to abandon the doomed passengers of the SS Arctic.

    Lots to love here! A specific character, an event that forces the story, no filler or hedging. But 'Plunged into further chaos' is a feeling/situation, not an action. Nothing he wants or does is stated: no pursuit, no endpoint. Antagonist is unnamed—crew abandoning ship is…

  10. Logline Medic · Initiate · 60 pts on When a young archivist graduates and comes home to a family remade by her sister’s undiagnosed illness, two stray cats follow her off the train and start pulling her into her neighbors’ buried griefs, waking a gift in her body that turns water into stories.

    There's a great opportunity for character drama, but we need specifics. There's no goal—she doesn't pursue anything, she's 'pulled into' things and things 'wake' in her. No antagonist, just diffuse atmosphere: sister's illness, cats, neighbors' griefs, a magic gift all crammed together with no cause-and-effect…