Reviews

37,702

  1. vcaruso · Wordsmith · 363 pts on In 1919 London, the heir to a shipping empire is so offended when a doctor tells him he’s not ill, just entitled, that he bets he can earn his living for one year without access to his father’s wealth or family name.

    alternative: In 1919 London, when a doctor tells the heir to a shipping empire he's entitled, not ill, and refuses to shake his hand, he stakes a small fortune against that handshake that he can survive, without family name or wealth, for one year or…

  2. dogger · Oracle · 88,600 pts on In 1919 London, the heir to a shipping empire is so offended when a doctor tells him he’s not ill, just entitled, that he bets he can earn his living for one year without access to his father’s wealth or family name.

    Has the potential to be an interesting story. But does it have to be a drama? Could it be a comedy/satire of human frailty and folly? And more importantly, does it have to be set in 1909? Could the protagonist be a coddled nepo baby…

  3. vcaruso · Wordsmith · 363 pts on Louise, a 16-year-old serious girl who thinks she’s not able to love someone, and Elisa, a sensitive girl her age, becomes friends after starting high school. Elise starts her first romantic relationship with Lauren, a pesimistic girl who emotionally depends on her. Suddently, Louise falls in love with Elisa after seeing how she treats her girlfriend.

    These reads as circular even thought it's straightforward... girl falls in love with her friend when she see her with another girl. But the "descriptors" seem force as though trying to give them a character just so you had one (just my take) After starting…

  4. vcaruso · Wordsmith · 363 pts on When a failing business comes across a blood thirsty plant, Seymour the shops keeper begins to sacrifices his own beliefs for the love of his life.

    The only thing of note is that this sounds almost like a remake of "little shop of horrors", especially given the protag the name Seymour. Its logline was: A nerdy florist's assistant buys a strange plant that feeds on human blood, forcing him to kill…

  5. vcaruso · Wordsmith · 363 pts on In a Spanish village in 1954, Julia (the protagonist) is set to marry Miguel (the son of a sergeant). However, on their wedding night, Miguel discovers that his new wife is not a virgin; consequently, Julia’s father decides to kill Gabriel, Julia’s former partner and current lover. Gabriel’s murder sends shockwaves through the village, forcing Julia to leave in the company of her mother—whom she hates.

    1)too long, shoot for 25-45 words and only one sentence. 2) it would be unclear who the protag was if you didn't say so, but still shouldn't be there and the line needs to make it clear. I read it five times and thought Miguel?…

  6. vcaruso · Wordsmith · 363 pts on Years after the mysterious disappearance of his childhood friend Alice, aspiring writer Charles Dodgson embarks on a perilous journey to rescue her from a psychopathic kingpin, dismantling a criminal empire that could challenge Queen Victoria herself – all while uncovering the inspiration for one of the 19th century’s greatest literary works.

    The names aren't necessary, and this tends to wobble back and forth. Suggestion: While an aspiring writer dismantles a psychopathic crime boss's attempt against the monarchy itself, he unravels the disappearance of his childhood friend and uncovers the inspiration of the 19th Century's greatest literary…

  7. vcaruso · Wordsmith · 363 pts on When they find that the system they have been raised in does not care for them, eight kids from different classes and backgrounds fight to change what they think is a shifted system—with a little ancient help—or risk everyone they love and know being done dirty forever.

    The premise seems similar to Marvel's runaways. Suggestion that might cut the clutter: eight kids from different cultures must seek ancient wisdom to battle the system they feel has abandoned them or lose everyone they love forever.

  8. dogger · Oracle · 88,600 pts on Louise, a 16-year-old serious girl who thinks she’s not able to love someone, and Elisa, a sensitive girl her age, becomes friends after starting high school. Elise starts her first romantic relationship with Lauren, a pesimistic girl who emotionally depends on her. Suddently, Louise falls in love with Elisa after seeing how she treats her girlfriend.

    And then what? This sets up an interesting situation and an inciting incident for a possible plot--but what is the plot that follows? What dramatic question is raised that the rest of the plot will (eventually) answer? What becomes Louise's objective goal as a result…

  9. Mariola · Logliner · 135 pts on Louise, a 16-year-old serious girl who thinks she’s not able to love someone, and Elisa, a sensitive girl her age, becomes friends after starting high school. Elise starts her first romantic relationship with Lauren, a pesimistic girl who emotionally depends on her. Suddently, Louise falls in love with Elisa after seeing how she treats her girlfriend.

    NOTE: Louise has just got over a "relationship" with a emotionally ausent guy that didn't know if he is ready to love someone. Elisa comes from a family that has always forced her to take care of her young sibling, making her feels she has…

  10. Mariola · Logliner · 135 pts on A timid nature photographer goes out into a forest to try to take some photos but then stumbles upon a murder. They are shocked and froze in place, almost getting caught but then takes photos of the attacker and the victim to report it to the police. But later finds out that the murder was the person they are reporting it to and they must make a choice. Either put themselves as witnessing a murder and putting a target on their back or finding a different officer to report it to

    I'd put the moment when the photographer discovers that the police officer -or whoever he/she is reporting to- is the murderer as a plot twist, not as a logline.